Disclaimer: 'Star Wars' belongs to George Lucas and all other related parties.
Title: The Very Secret Diary of Padme Amidala
Author: Rhea Summers firstname.lastname@example.org
Spoilers: AOTC (major spoilers aboard!)
Summary: Want to know what is going through Padme's mind through the entire course of 'Attack'? Read on! ______________________________________
The Very Secret Diary of Padme Amidala ______________________________________
~Day #1: On Padme Amidala's Bed, Naboo~
Time to rise and shine! Being dragged out of bed isn't what I have in mind, though, R2. Today, I'm going out to meet the Naboo Parliament, minus the stupid headgear I'm required to wear. Who says the Naboo have the best sense of fashion in the Republic?
Thank God I'm not Queen anymore.
~Day #2: In the Grand Council Meeting Room, Naboo~
Great. I'm supposed to go to Coruscant to cast a vote now. Vote casting is never pleasant and I've survived more than enough assassination plots to know that. Still, I have to vote for or against a Republic Army. I have to get off this planet by this afternoon or I won't be in time to vote.
Why do I get the feeling that Jar Jar Binks is going to be Senator after me? Blame it on a terrifying nightmare of Jar Jar addressing the Senate.
~Day #5: In front of my starship, Coruscant~
Old tricks never die. Again, I am switching roles with one of my handmaidens, which is a good thing because I've been dying to get out of that costume which they call a kimono in a galaxy far, far away. I should have prohibited space travelers from bringing back exotic dresses when I was Queen.
~Later, in front of a smoldering wreck which was once my starship~ Sometimes the old ways work best. I have been the target of assassination again. Yes, again, complete with the explosions and spaceship wrecking. Don't they give up trying to kill me? My friends, you will never succeed. It's getting clichéd. The sad thing is, my handmaiden has died. It would have been me if I were eager to play dress-up.
~Later still, in front of the Jedi Council~
Yoda's here. Windu's here. Count Dooku isn't here. Of course, he's trying to kill me. Something else has been bothering me, though. I find it odd that Count Dooku has the same initials as an infamous vampire. I even hear that Count Dookula - er, Count Dooku - wears black, with a long, flowing cape, to boot.
~That Evening, in my room on Coruscant~
My Jedi friend Obi-Wan Kenobi is here, with his Padawan Anakin Skywalker. As Master Yoda might put it, cute butt, Obi-Wan has, mmmm. Thank the stars that Jedi knights are fond of tights. Ani's not bad himself, but I feel like a pedophile for looking at him like that. He's just an obnoxious kid I once knew.
Oh, both of them are protecting me. Ani is trying to watch me undress, that little pervert. I'll just shut off the surveillance cameras and let Skywalker settle his own frustration. If only Obi-Wan was there...
~Day #6: Early morning in my bed with slug entrails all over my blanket~ I was dreaming a very sweet dream starring myself and Obi-Wan. Suddenly, I' m waking up to see Ani squatting on top of me. What a rude way to wake someone up! I knew it! I knew that Ani wanted to see me in my frilly nightgowns.
The next thing I know, Obi-Wan attempts suicide. Or, rather, throws himself through the glass window. Wait, I didn't know Jedi knights are fans of Extreme Sports. Not until I see Obi-Wan hanging onto a spy-bot after crashing out of my room.
I'll leave you, R2, to clean up those horrid intestines spilling out of those slugs Ani chopped up just now.
~Day #7: In my room, again~
My life is officially in danger and I must leave Coruscant. No, I'm not alone. I'm with Obi-Wan's Padawan, Anakin. Since yesterday, Ani has been hitting on me like he hasn't seen a female humanoid since we parted 10 years ago. I can't blame him. I think Yoda's sexless.
Obi-Wan seems so tame compared to Ani. Strangely enough, I find myself attracted to bad boys who can electrify girls with their gazes. I hope he is not using The Force to feed dirty thoughts into my head. "You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams," Ani says as he seems to undress me with his eyes. I'm now convinced that he isn't having any innocent dreams about me.
~Later, in the refugee starship...~
I'm the Senator of Naboo and I'm crammed here with dozens of weird creatures with eyes attached to their feet. I regret ever wearing a dress here. I'm still giggling from when those creatures tried to peek under Ani's Jedi robe. Obviously, they thought he was going commando and Ani simply gave them a hard kick each on their jelly-like eyes. What twisted minds they have. Perhaps natural selection favors eyes growing on feet.
At least Ani isn't interested in non-humanoid species.
~Day #8: In the mess hall of the refugee starship~
Ani, oh Ani. Our favorite Padawan hasn't stopped hitting on me! Now he's saying that my axe-like hairdo is his biggest turn-on. If I ever have the chance, I'll tie my hair up in two croissant bun-like projections from my head. What about an Afro perm? I don't believe Jedi Knights suffer cardiac arrest since the Force is always with them.
~Day #10: Approaching Naboo~
Back to Naboo, my home planet. Naboo is way better than any planet in the universe, sans the fashion sense. I wonder what the latest craze is now. I hope it's not that spandex fighting gear for the fairer sex that some twisted scientist invented over on Coruscant. Heh! I don't want to jinx myself.
According to the Grand Jedi Council, Ani has to follow me everywhere. Does going to the bathroom count? Ani has probably dreamt of this day for 10 long, long years. My family is another problem here. What would Mom say? That I've finally gotten myself a steady? That Ani is extremely good-looking in leather? That Ani looks like a boy band lead singer?
Obviously, Yoda's smart enough to let Jedi Knights choose their preference in fabric. I seriously doubt Yoda would look smashing in leather. He'd better stick to cotton.
~Later, with the Queen~
I can't believe it! Ani has just insulted me in front of the Queen, telling me that he is charge of my safety and I can't go where I want. Fine. He might as well put a collar around my neck and pull me along with a chain.
Okay. Here's a plan. Ani grew up on Tatooine before he was taken in as a Jedi Padawan by Obi-Wan. That means he must have loved sand, sun and more sand. I'll take him to my lake retreat where we have water, water and more water.
~Day #11: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Platform~
Today has been an exciting and a flirty day. I don't know what got into me this morning when I picked a bareback halter dress. I know I'm a sultry temptress and it's funny to recall how Ani's jaw dropped when he saw me in that. For a moment, he looked at me as if I suddenly morphed into one of those cute creatures in 'E.T.'
Now, he gets bolder. Dear Ani, you really have grown up.
One more thing, Anakin is good at kissing. I didn't know Jedi Masters teach their Padawans how to touch and kiss a girl. Either Obi-Wan has been giving Anakin some pointers or Obi-Wan has a hidden stash of X-rated movies in the Jedi Temple. Perhaps he inherited them from Qui-Gon. You never know.
~Day #12: Naboo Lake Retreat~
Today has been one of the best days of my life so far! I feel so at ease sitting here, surrounded by serene waterfalls and daisy-filled fields. For a moment or two, I have this strange anticipation that Obi-Wan would burst into the scene and start running up a slope, singing 'The hills come alive . With the sound of music.'
Ani and I talk, kiss, talk and kiss. Well, you get the idea. Then, we roll around in the grass like those Hollywood flicks where the hero and heroine have to frolic in the hills to make the movie complete. I feel like a movie star now.
Did I mention that Anakin's a great kisser? I need to ask him whether he has practiced his skills with other non-humaniod species. I truly hope he didn't try them on Jar Jar.
~Day #13: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Dinner~
I think I have been infected by the leather bug. I just have to wear a leather corset to dinner. I wonder if Ani will like me this way. Anyhow, I think he appreciates me, since he has been showing off his Jedi skills a lot. I think it is part and parcel of his Jedi training, 'How to pick up girls using the Force.'
~Later, in front of the fireplace~
I have just heard the corniest pick-up line in the entire galaxy. Thank the Republic that it had been hours since dinner when he said, "My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me."
Where in the Jedi Temple did he learn that line? Don't tell me Yoda practices those lines very often. Maybe Yoda's a cute hunk in the Yoda-verse, but he is only a wrinkly green Muppet to me. Alright, either one of the Grand Jedi Masters taught him that or Anakin's just turning into a major mush ball. Strangely enough, though, I'm attracted to Anakin because of those corny lines.
~Even later, in my bed~
No, I didn't jump in bed with Anakin straight after our little chat by the fireplace, although I've been mentally cursing myself for that. R2 has just beeped me that it recorded some strange noises from Ani's room next door. So, out of curiosity, I'm getting up to take a peek at him.
There he is, obviously undressed. I've never really seen naked men before, so I stand there, looking at his even breathing and of course, his yummy bare chest. Then, it happens. I clearly hear him moaning. For a minute, I wonder if he is having another of those, ahem, dreams. Well, you can't blame me for saying that. Some of my handmaidens have told me that some boys moan that way when they are uh, excited. I even wonder what lucky girl he might be dreaming about. Secretly, I hope the girl is me.
Wait a moment. Did he just mention, "Mom?"
~Day #14: Naboo Lake Retreat - Early morning, outside Anakin's room~ This has to be it. I need to approach Ani on his weird moaning. R2 confirmed my suspicion. He did say, "Mom." He's there, outside the balcony. He doesn't seem to be the type of boy who has all kinds of twisted fantasies.
Never mind. I'll play it safe and just ask if he had a nightmare.
~One hour later, standing behind Anakin~
Don't ask why I've just spent one entire hour standing behind Anakin. The sight before me is to die for. How often do you get a cute Padawan with a sweaty undershirt standing on your balcony? I'm not drooling, thank you.
Anyhow, I've just popped the question and he answers, "Jedi don't have nightmares." For a moment, I think he's going to recite the details of his, ahem, dream, but my suspicion is proven untrue when he mentions that he had felt his mother being tortured. Hmm, a missed opportunity here. I was going to invite him to take a roll between the sheets if the answer was related to me.
Damn! I deserve a pat on my head for being so smart. Now I'll have play along and follow him to Tatooine.
~Day #16: Tatooine - The Streets of Mos Espa~
It is hot and dry. Tatooine isn't the best place to live in if you want perfect skin. On the other hand, my Jedi friends have been to Tatooine, and Anakin does have perfect skin, as does Obi-Wan. I need to ask them for some Jedi secrets on skin care. After all, Master Windu's bald head can even reflect light.
~Later, in Watto's shop~
Shmi was sold to a moisture farmer a few years ago? That's news. Looks like Anakin has a stepfather. I hope he doesn't have a sexy stepsister.
~Even later, outside the Lars homestead~
Is C3PO gay? How naughty of Anakin to program a droid's sexual preferences.
~Inside the Lars homestead~
Poor Anakin. He wasn't lying when he told me about Shmi being tortured in his nightmare, but why did he have to moan and groan in an orgasmic way? I wonder if he is still interested in me. I even wonder if I will ever see him again, since he has decided to rescue his mother from the Tusken Raiders.
I wish I had a camera with me now. Anakin looks sexy on a speeder bike. Owen's not bad, either. It's a pity Beru got him first.
~Day #17: Tatooine - Sand, sand, and more sand~
Anakin's back, with Shmi's body. Anakin doesn't look happy. Well, of course he doesn't look happy. His mother's dead. I don't know how to console him. Does he like blue milk?
~Later, in the garage~
Anakin is the man! I think I'm in love with him. I was carrying a tray with a glass of blue milk for him. Now he has started whining about how he hates the Tusken Raiders, and how he killed those barbarians like the animals they are.
As he rants, I notice that he has a pair of sexy eyes, a pair of sexy hands and gosh, I even find his Padawan braid sexy. Everything about him is sexy when he is in a dark mood.
I shouldn't be thinking of such things when he is pouring out his heart and soul to me. The only words I can muster are, "Anakin, what's wrong?" Yeah, I know. His mother just died, but I'm too busy drooling over him to come up with anything coherent at the moment.
Perhaps I should give him a small present tonight. I'll really make him moan this time.
~Even later, in the garage~
Damn C3PO. Just as Anakin and I were tearing each other's clothes off, that gay droid barged in on us. The real gem comes now when it says, "Master Ani, do you need to go to the bathroom?" Anakin and I shoot him blank looks.
"No, I believe I don't. Why?" Anakin asks the droid in return.
"Well, Master Ani, your fly is open," C3PO answers.
This has to be the most embarrassing moment in my life. So much for droids trying to understand human behavior. On the other hand, I just found out that Anakin is a briefs guy.
~Day #18: Tatooine - In my spaceship~
Obi-Wan is in danger. I must save Obi-Wan or this galaxy will lose one handsome and sexy Jedi Knight.
~Day #19: Geonosis~
Woohoo! Anakin has a big and long blue lightsaber! Go me!
Does lightsaber length have anything to do with a Jedi's anatomy?
~Later, outside the arena, Geonosis~
Just a little while ago, I was happily fighting those winged creatures and thinking about Anakin's lightsaber. Now, I'm wondering whether I will ever see his lightsaber in the future. Since I'm going to die soon, I may as well tell Anakin how crazy I am for him.
Here goes my cheesiest line ever, "I truly, deeply love you." For
moment, I am tempted to add, "and your lightsaber."
~Shortly afterward, inside the arena~
Why do I suddenly visualize Anakin in gladiator garb? Maybe Roman sandals
will come in style next. Heck, Anakin can be a gladiator some time later if I can pick this lock and free him.
Ouch! I just dropped twenty feet onto a Reek's back and I feel sore. I think I won't be walking right for the next month. Let's hope Obi-Wan saw me jump and nobody thinks that Anakin and I have been shagging like bunnies across four different planets.
I didn't know Yoda could command a starship fleet.
~Even later, in the middle of the Geonosis desert~
I think I'm cursed. I just had to tumble off of the starship and hit the sands below, didn't I? Wait, I'm not dead yet. Maybe the Force is with me after all.
~Afterward, in a starship hangar - Geonosis~
The Force is not with Anakin. He lost an arm, thanks to Count Dooku. Poor Anakin. He is devastated. I understand his worries. He is afraid that I may find him less sexually appealing after losing an arm.
Have no fear, Anakin Skywalker. I still love you and your lightsaber.
~Day #45: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Platform, again~
I can't believe this. I'm getting married to a Jedi Knight even though we' ve barely spent six weeks together. Love is blind, they say.
~Later that evening~
"Anakin, can't you use the Force to heat your hand up a little? It's cold down there," I grumble. This isn't exactly my idea of a perfect honeymoon, but it isn't every day that you get a Jedi Knight for a loving husband.
Well, it's not like I'm going to have twins or anything like that any time soon.