Int: Shot of kitchen. Early morning.

Anakin Skywalker strides down the staircase, his black robe billowing behind him. His breath is raspy and forced. He starts to cough. "Friggin cigarettes," he mutters and reaches down to scratch his crotch. He opens the fridge and grabs some prune juice and slugs it.

Amidala is now at the top of the stairs adjusting her obnoxiously huge headpiece and checking herself in the mirror. She glides down the staircase in full queenly regalia. She grabs her sunglasses and Anakin's wallet beside the front door. She calls back to him, "I'm off to do a little shopping....love you darling!"

Anakin grunts after her, "A little shopping! Yeah right. And Hutts can fly. How much are you spending today? I'm going to have to go back on tour to the focking Outer Rim again aren't I? If I have to friggin play again for those focking Ewoks again, I swear I'll spew Sithspit. I'm the friggin Dark Lord of the Sith for crissakes! I should be kicking some Jedi ass right now!"

Amidala cocks here head and slyly says, "The handmaidens and I are all out of bubblebath. You wouldn't want us to miss our nightly group bath ritual, would you darling?"

Anakin grins and sighs, "No. That's the only thing I have going for me right now...."

Luke groggily stumbles down the staircase, rubbing his eyes. He is dressed in Jedi combat fatigues and goggles. It looks and smells as if he's slept in the same clothes for days.

"Mother of the Force! What is that smell!" cries Anakin and he turns to see Luke. "For crissakes, will you take that silly outfit off...you aren't a focking Jedi yet, you pansy ass!"

"Yeah, whatever Dad," Luke mumbles as he heads toward the fridge. "Hey, can I borrow you Z-9 Headhunter today? I've got some friends coming over and they want to check it out."

"No you can't," Anakin says with exasperation. "And if I have to deal with your horny wanker friends today, I swear I'll impale myself on my lightsaber right here and now - I bloody hell will!" I know I swore off drinking, but I've been awake for only fifteen minutes and I just can't take it anymore! Anakin thinks to himself as he begins rummaging for a bottle of liquor.

Luke reaches in the fridge and grabs a container of blue milk. He begins drinking directly from the container.

"Hey you focking igit! Get a glass!" screams Anakin.

At this point, Leia has sauntered downstairs and turns on the stereo very loud to something akin to Britney Spears.

"Goddam it! I can't stand that s***! Turn it off!" Anakin now screams at his daughter.

Leia gives him one of her looks - the "I'm going to kill you as you lie sleeping" look. Anakin points a gloved finger at her, "Don't try any of those friggin Jedi mind tricks on me, missy! I'm the focking Dark Lord of the Sith, bloody hell!"

With a scowl, Leia turns the stereo down. "Where's Mom?" she asks, absentmindedly twirling a strand of hair around her finger.
"Out spending your focking inheritance."

"That bitch! She didn't even invite me along!" Leia tosses her hair over her shoulder and sulks off towards the rec room.

Amidala's handmaidens are now downstairs and are lounging around the sitting room in their nighties. Sache starts a pillowfight with Sabe and then the rest of them join in the melee, giggling and wrestling merrily with each other. Anakin observes the pillowfight and happily sighs. One of the perks of having an ex-queen from Naboo for a wife is having all these hot handmaidens about, then wishing wistfully, I should've refilled that Viagra prescription...

Later that Day
Int: Rec Room

Luke invites Wedge and Han over to check out his dad's new speeder. Leia is playing pool in the rec room. She smiles seductively at Han as he enters the room.

"Hey pirate. Got anything you want me to stow?"

Han immediately changes directions and saunters over to Leia. They grab each other and start making out feverishly. Seeing his friend grope his sister, Luke whines, "Hey Han, I thought you came over to check out my Dad's new racer, not shag my sister." Han and Leia have now fallen on the couch and are rolling around. Han doesn't even bother to glance back at him. "In a minute kid, I've got better things to do while I'm here." Leia giggles and goes back to unbuttoning Han's pants. Luke sneers and calls out, "Focking a**hole. I'm never inviting you over to my house again you...you ..." Han snarls in his direction, "Get the hell out of here before I tell your mother I saw you earlier trying on her clothes." Luke rolls his eyes and says, "C'mon Wedge. Let's go race some speeders."

Anakin walks downstairs to the rec room looking for one of the flasks of liquor he had hidden under the couch cushions. He stops in the doorway when he sees a very hot and heavy Han and Leia on the couch.

"What the f*** is this!?" as blue sparks begin shooting out of his ears.

Scrambling away from Leia and ducking the blue bolts of lightning shooting across the room Han stammers, "S-Sorry Mr. Vader! I-I'll be leaving now!" Han throws on his pants and races for the door.

Anakin follows him and snarls, "You bet your Corellian ass is out of here. If I catch you again molesting my daughter, I'll carbon freeze your nads off!!"

Anakin reaches for Han, catches him and picks him up by the neck. He strides to the front door and hurling him onto the lawn he screams, "I'll have my Wookiee guard on the watch for your ass so don't even THINK of coming back here!"

Leia is red with fury. "Dad! I can't f** *ing believe you did that! It's so unfair! Stop controlling my f***ing life! I HATE YOU!!!!" She turns and runs upstairs.

"Friggin drama queen!" Anakin mutters as he pulls up the cushions to look for his flask.

Int: Parlor

Anakin is now desperately looking for a bottle of liquor. He goes into the parlor to unlock the liquor cabinet. Ozzel the butler is startled when he sees Anakin opening the lock.

"Sir, can I be of assistance?"
"I'm looking for a bottle of brandy....." Anakin has now crushed the lock in his hand.

"S-Sir, I broke the bottle when I was cleaning yesterday," he whimpers. Anakin stands up and faces Ozzel,

"You disappoint me Ozzel. You are as clumsy as you are stupid!" Anakin clenches his fist and with the Force strangles Ozzel, his body crumpling into a heap on the floor.

Anakin sighs. "Damn! Where the hell can I get some liquor ....and a new butler?"

Ext: Pool

Leia puts on her gold bikini and goes outside to the pool. She thinks to herself, My family is so f**ked up. The sooner I can get out of here the better. She doesn't notice the naked man holding his breath under water, his Padawan braid floating above him. Leia, still in involved in her thoughts of how to escape her wretched life, jumps in and lands on top of him.

Surfacing and sputtering water she screams, "What the f*** are you doing in our pool?!"

Obi-Wan calmly says, "Sorry love....our cooler went out next door and it was so bleedin' hot so I jumped the fence...and..." He stops when he notices she isn't looking at his face but below his waist.

She coyly smiles and cranes her neck trying to get a better look under the water. "Why, you aren't you wearing anything you pervert!" Obi, his hands over his nads, blushes.

"Don't tell your Dad, okay? I hear he's a little whacked out. Out of his focking mind is more like it."
He moves closer to her and leans in close. "It'll just be our little secret. Okay?"

Leia bites her lip and smiles, "Ok, but only if you give me a peek. I've never seen a... Jedi before."
Grinning, Obi says, "Well if you insist."

Int: Kitchen

Anakin is on the phone hiring a new butler when Amidala comes home. R2 and C3PO are struggling under the weight of shopping bags and boxes.

"What in the f***ing universe didn't you buy! Woman, you are killing me! I feel a dark side moment coming on. I'm going outside!"

Anakin storms outside into the garden to look for the stash of liquor he had buried in the yard a while ago. He finds the hapless Needa the gardener picking up Wookiee turds from the lawn. Anakin ignores him and begins digging under a bush.

"NEEDA! Did you see a flask behind this bush?"

"Y-Yes sir. I thought it was trash so I threw it away, Sir."

"Banthash**! What does a Dark Lord have to do to get a drink around here!" Muttering Sith curses to himself, he strangles Piett then goes inside to call the lawn service to hire another gardener.

In an hour Piett the new gardener shows up and begins finishing the turd duty Needa left for him. As he walks past the pool, he sees a couple in a passionate kiss oblivious to everything around them. Piett snickers to himself as he begins work, At least I get to watch the show....

Leia and Obi are now in full frontal face lock and don't notice the giant Wookiee approaching the pool. Chewie reaches a huge furry arm out to grab the groping couple out of the pool. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and falls into the pool. Infuriated, he starts roaring and bellowing shocking Leia and Obi out of their kiss. Leia starts screAmidalang and Obi scrambles out of the pool, yelling "Shite!" and covering his nads again. Chewie sees Obi making a break for the fence and throws his hulking wet Wookiee body out of the pool. Chewie lunges for Obi and grabs his leg as scrambles up the fence. Panicked, Obi screams, "Shite! Bloody Shite! Get this focking wet dog off me for the love of ...!" Leia jumps on Chewie's back in an attempt to pull him off the terrified Obi. "Get off him you mangy stinking excuse for a shag carpet!"
The two are no match for Chewie who is now holding Obi upside down by the ankles. The Wookiee turns towards the house with Leia is still kicking and screaming on his back. Anakin runs out of the house, alarmed at the commotion going on outside.

"What the hell is that noise! Sounds like a focking Hutt orgy out here for crissakes!"

He sees a drenched Wookiee, his daughter, and the naked Jedi hanging upside down from the giant Wookiee's arm.. "You're that f**ing Jedi sh*thead from next door! What the hell are you doing in my pool and what the hell are you doing to my daughter?!"

Obi smiles as confidently as he can manage wishing the Wookiee would let go of his ankle. "S-Sorry Sir....just trying to cool off. Your daughter was just being hospitable."

Anakin spews, "Banthash**! She's a little Huttwhore! If I catch you again over here I'm sticking my lightsaber up your ass! Chewie! Get rid of this scum!"

Chewie curls his lips in a grin showing his sharp fangs. With a loud Wookiee battle cry he throws Obi over the fence. Content that the Jedi will no longer be a problem, Anakin turns toward Chewie. "Now get inside and dry off - you stink worse than Master Yoda's breath!"

Chewie lumbers off and Anakin notices Piett kneeling next to the flowerbed, a horrified expression on his face. "I-I didn't see anything, Master!" He cringes as Anakin walks swiftly towards Piett and strangles the life out of him.

Leia is standing with her mouth open in horror witnessing the events happening before her eyes. She finds the breath to speak and cries, "Dad! You can't keep doing that to my boyfriends! That's it. I'm outta here!!"

She runs away heading next door to Obi's house. She rings the bell and a dark, tall man answers the door.

"If I ain't a Mo-ther-F**cker," Mace Windu exclaims. "If it isn't the little tart from next door. I'm supposing you are here to see Obi."

"Y-yes," Leia stammers realizing she is still dripping wet. She is awestruck by his large frame. He is bare-chested and breathing heavily, his bald head glistening with sweat. He is holding a purple lightsaber and doesn't bother to turn it off as he looks behind him and calls, "Obi - your little friend is here to see you."

INT: Amidala's bedroom

Amidala and the handmaidens are upstairs trying on various articles of clothing and lingerie that Amidala bought earlier that day. Rummaging through one of the many closets in the room, she notices a bottle of scotch hidden between a pair of leather boots. "Look what I've found!" she gleefully cries and uncorks the bottle. After taking a long swig, she begins passing it around to the handmaidens. The bottle is polished off in about five minutes. Looking at the empty bottle, Amidala sighs and looks over at Sache. Sache is looking at her own backside in the mirror, scrutinizing the purple lace thongs she is trying on. " We're out of booze, Sache. Do we have any more in the house?" Sache bends over to get a different angle and replies, "I'm pretty sure we're out M'Lady. But I think the Jedi next door have quite a stash." A smile widens across Amidala's mouth. "I think its time we ...introduce ourselves to our dear Jedi neighbors." The handmaidens begin to giggle and get dressed in their most vixenish attire.

Ext: Mace and Obi's House

Mace is in the middle of his lightsaber workout when the doorbell rings again. He curses and flings open the door with one hand while holding his lightsaber in the other. He starts to scream, "Who the f*** ," but stops completely dumbfounded when he looks outside. He swallows. "Holy Hutts. I've died and become one with the Motherf***ing Force." Amidala and the handmaidens are standing in the doorway blasters drawn and wearing clothing that would even make Master Yoda pant with desire. Amidala breaks the moment and in her sweetest voice says, "Master Windu. May we intrude and indulge in your hospitality for a while? My handmaidens and I so .... hot and thirsty." She runs her hand down her throat seductively and winks at Mace. Amidala and the handmaidens saunter into the house and Mace closes the door behind him, grinning mischievously.

Int: Vader's House

The house is a disaster. Music is blaring and Luke and Wedge are zooming around the house on speeder bikes. In the middle of the commotion, Han sneaks into the house through the window. Luke and Wedge slam to a halt and look incredulously at Han. "How the hell did you get past Chewie?" gasps Luke. Han waves his hand in the air, dismissing them. "Chewie and I served time at the Coruscant pen a while back."

"Really?" asks Wedge looking in awe at the scruffy Correllian. "I didn't know that. What were you in for?"

Han plops down on the couch. "Y'know. The usual. Breaking and entering, larceny, public drunkenness."

Luke snorts, "Yeah, well my Dad's gonna slice you like a Tauntaun if he finds you here y'know."

Han scowls at him. "I bet if he didn't have that frickin' lightsaber he wouldn't be all that badass."

"Yeah...what are you gonna do Han? Steal it?" asks Wedge.

Han turns to look at Wedge, "I might! All I need is a little distraction. Speaking of which," as he turns to Luke, "Where's your sister?"

Luke scowls, "Will you quit with my sister? Besides, she's found a new boyfriend and he's a Jedi, not some two-bit scoundrel like you."

Han's face gets red. "Who is he? I could take him, 'specially if I had your Dad's lightsaber."

"You'll need more than a lightsaber to take on a dude like that. You'll need some proton charges, toxic darts, the works," Luke muses taking a mental inventory.

"Well, you got any of that stuff around here?" Han inquires.

"No. Dad got rid of all that cool stuff years ago."

Han wryly grins at him, "I bet that punk ass Jedi has stuff like that. We could go over there and steal it and then "BAM"! We could kick the midichlorian crap outta him!"

Luke jumps off his speeder bike. "What the hell! Let's do it!" Han, Luke and Wedge race out the door towards Obi's house.

Int: Mace & Obi's house

Mace is sitting on the couch enjoying himself tremendously. Two handmaidens, Eritae and Sabe are snuggled on either side of him lazily massaging his bald head. The other handmaidens are dancing around and drinking.

Meanwhile upstairs, Han, Luke and Wedge are sneaking Mace's bedroom window. "Jackpot!" cries Luke as he notices a Jedi weapon chest by the bed. Han picks the lock easily and when the chest pops open Luke cries, "Cool shit!" Han whispers in a deadly voice, "Shut up kid! If those Jedi f***ks find us before we're armed and ready, we'll end up Banthapoodoo."

They continuing rummaging around the chest, stashing items into their pockets when an eeire hum and purple glow fills the room. Mace is looming in the doorway, his lightsaber drawn in an attack position. "This party's over! And I shall strike down with GREAT VENGENCE those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers..." Han, Luke and Wedge scream and throw themselves out the window.

Hearing the commotion next door in Mace's bedroom, Obi looks up from where he and Leia are lying on his bed. "Oh shite! Mace is going Ezekiel on somebody's ass. We better get outta here." He grabs Leia's hand and they race downstairs. They run into a throng of handmaidens who are in the middle of a game of strip poker.

"Mom! What the hell are you doing here?!" gasps Leia. Amidala stops in the middle of her shot of tequila and exclaims, "Leia, what are you doing here?!" Then she notices the hot, barechested padawan holding her daughter's hand and winks. "That's my girl!"

Suddenly, Mace flips from the upstairs floor, and in a clean tuck and roll runs through the poker game and out the door. Lightsaber ignited, he screams, "Come back here you little Sithspawns! I haven't finished with Ezekiel yet!"

Int: Vader bathroom

Chewie has been blow drying his fur for the last hour when finally the hairdryer bursts into flames and ignites the Wookiee's fur. Chewie flails his giant arms and runs out of the house, bits of scorched Wookiee fur falling behind him and catching the carpet on fire.

Fire alarms screech throughout the house and Anakin runs out onto the lawn to find Chewie rolling on the grass. He holds his nose as scorched Wookiee fur stench fills the air. Luke, Han and Wedge come racing around the corner past Anakin who mutters, "What the f***?" Just at that moment, a tall Jedi races around the corner yelling, "And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Anakin shakes his head and begins walking away from the house. He would miss that house surely, but he really would miss his bathroom. Especially the handmaiden's bathtub.

A croaking voice pipes up. "Much anger in you if feel. Anger leads to the dark side." Yoda is standing on the lawn holding his gimer stick and looking at Anakin smugly. "Release it you must. Hmmm?"

Anakin stops to stare at the diminutive Master. "Release it I must huh? Well here you go you friggin lawn gnome!" and swiftly punts Yoda across the street.

He has to admit he felt a lot better, but he now has a mission. He knows at that moment where he has to go and what he has to do.

Int: Star Destroyer hangar

Thousands of screams erupt within the darkness of the Star Destroyer. The red glow of a single lightsaber cuts through the darkness and illuminates Anakin, Dark Lord of the Sith. He strides to the middle of the stage.

" I AAAAMM IIIIRRRRRONN MMMMMAAAAAN!" he screams through his black mask. Ewoks are jumping up and down with glee.

Anakin looks disdainadly over the short furry crowd and sighs. As much as he hated touring the galaxy he thought to himself, I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe, but at least it gets me out of that friggin house!