Title: The Smut Files
Author:  Dorotea
Disclaimer:  Chris Carter owns Scully, but she needs to have more fun. 
George Lucas owns Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan loves redheads, so I thought Scully
and Obi-Wan should get together.  I'm not making any money from this.
Summary:  Obi-Wan seeks help from Special Agent Dana Scully. 
Category:  Humor/Smut
Rating:  NC-17
Archive:  No, I can't even believe I'm posting this. 
Author's Notes:  This silly smut is what happens when my husband goes out of
town, I get sick, and then take way too much cold medicine

"The Truth is Not Here"


"Special Agent Dana Scully?"

Scully turned and eyed the stranger - he was dressed in a long, brown robe, a
hood hid most of his face.  Her eyes rolled and she sighed heavily.  Had to
be one of Mulder's and the Lone Gunmen's geek friends playing dress up.  She
scrutinized the man more closely.  The man was handsome enough and she had to
admit he did have a striking resemblance to Ewan McGregor, but she knew they
had probably offered him a free cheese steak sandwich to play this prank on
her.  She decided to play along for now. 

"Yes, can I help you?"  She said, glancing around the restaurant, wondering
if they were watching. 

"I hope so.  I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi," he said in serious voice, extending his
hand.

Scully shook his hand.  "Sit down, Kenobi," she motioned.

He pushed back his hood, revealing his short-cropped gold hair.  "I have
reason to believe there is a Sith Lord hiding in your city."

Scully tried to suppress a smile, but couldn't.  "A Shit Lord?" 

"No, a SITH Lord.  A person who uses the darkside of the Force.  A man who
thinks of his own personal ambitions, who desires only power and wealth, not
for use for the betterment of the universe, but only for his own evil gain."

Scully arched a brow.  "In Washington, DC?  Imagine that."  She said dryly.

Her sarcasm was lost on the earnest Kenobi.  "Yes, in this very city.  I
tried contacting your partner, Fox, but he appears to have to ditched me to
look for something he referred to as 'The holy grail of porno movies'.  I'm
not sure what the holy grail is or what a porno is, but he seemed desperate
in his need to seek it."

"I'm sure he did." 

"Your partner is a man insanely devoted to his quest for the Truth."

"Insane would be the word to use.  Listen, Kenobi, I appreciate that this is
all a joke, but I need to get home and water my plants.  You've done a
wonderful job.  Tell Mulder I enjoyed it immensely, " Scully stood, extending
her hand, "It was nice meeting you."

Obi-Wan grasped her hand, holding it tightly.  "Please, Dana --"

"Call me Scully or you'll find out what a three-inch heel feels like up the
nose."

Obi-Wan raised a brow.  His turquoise eyes burned intensely into hers. "Okay,
please, Scully, you must believe me, you're my only hope."

Scully sighed.  Oh, well, she didn't have anything else to do tonight anyway.
"What do you want me to do?"

"Just help me find this Sith Lord. My car is outside, we can take it."

Scully knew better to get in to a car with a stranger, but this had to be a
joke, anyway her gun was loaded and she knew how to use it.  She followed
Kenobi out to the street. 

"A BMW?  Are you sure you're a friend of Mulder's?"  Scully inquired, upon
seeing the black sedan.  

Obi-Wan smiled sheepishly.  "Well, I borrowed it, a little trick I know, the
owner gave me the keys and his cell phone." Obi-Wan said, pushing back his
robe to display the Nokia hanging on his leather belt.

Scully's eyes zoomed in on something else, his lightsaber. It was impressive.
'That must be an expensive replica,' she thought.

Obi-Wan noticed what her eyes were fixed upon.  "Do you want to touch it?" 
He asked, smirking slightly.  

Scully shook her head.  "No, lets go," she said, but her eyes lingered on the
lightsaber.

**************************

Obi-Wan glanced down at the redhead sleeping on his shoulder.  Was she
drooling on him?  He shifted his shoulder and her head fell back.  He gently
wiped the small line of drool from her chin with his tunic sleeve.  She was
beautiful.  Fox was so lucky to get to work with her everyday.  Much better
than a towering, stern giant, obsessed with finding 'the chosen one.'  What
was wrong with Obi-Wan?  Not young enough anymore?  Not cute enough? 

Obi-Wan turned his attention back to the White House.  Scully had told him
that if someone was a Sith Lord, this is where they would show up eventually.
Obi-Wan wondered how long they would have to wait, he was not the patient
type.  This was more boring than sitting in a cave watching the sands drift
by. 

Scully stirred against his shoulder.  "Hmm...right there...up, angle
up...deeper, faster...make it fly...YES, YES!" 

"Um, Scully are you okay?"  Obi-Wan asked.

Scully cleared her throat and sat up.  "Yes, I, I must have fallen asleep.  I
was dreaming, about, um, fly fishing."

"Fly fishing?"

"Or football, I'm not really sure.  Can you take me home now?  I've had all
of this joke that I can handle."

"I can assure you, Scully, this is not a joke."

Scully rolled her eyes.  She grabbed Obi-Wan's padawan braid and tugged,
hard.  "Did you really grow that just to look like a, a...?"

"Jedi?  Yes, because I am a Jedi!"  Obi-Wan said, growing annoyed with her
constant disbelief.

"Yeah, right.  And I'm Tea Leoni."

"I thought your name was Dana Scully."

Scully pulled on the braid again.  "I am Dana Scully, you idiot fanboy!  Jedi
are not real!  A very, very rich man out in California created the Jedi."

Obi-Wan wasn't going to take any more of this.  "I'm not a Jedi?" He asked.

"Nope."

"Then explain how I can do this," he said with a wicked smile, waving his
hand in front of her tight, buttoned blouse.

"What?"  She mocked.  "You're a crazy young wizard?"

Then the buttons all fell off her blouse.  Scully yelped and pulled it back
together.

Obi-Wan gave her a satisfied smile, noting the sexy black push-up bra she had
on.

"How did you do that?" Scully demanded. 

"The Force."  Obi-Wan stated matter-of-factly.

"It was nothing but a parlor trick," Scully countered.

Obi-Wan arched a brow at her.  "You want to take off all your clothes," he
said, waving his hand in front of her face.

"Mind tricks won't work on me, I'm a redhead."

Obi-Wan leaned closer to her.  "A natural redhead?"  He inquired in a husky
whisper.

Scully grinned and moved her face closer to his.  "You'll never know, Jedi
Kenobi."

Obi-Wan smirked.  "I'll let you hold my lightsaber and it's quite a handful."

Scully chuckled and ran her hand over his hard leg.  She brushed it lightly
over his "lightsaber" and felt it jump beneath her hand.

"I think I turned it on," she said teasingly as she wrapped her hand around
his braid and pulled his face close to hers. 

"Oh, yes, it's ignited now," Obi-Wan said, as he pressed his lips to hers,
tenderly stroking the nape of her neck as they exchanged a soft kiss. 

Obi-Wan slid his tongue into her mouth, relishing her sweet taste and hot,
wet tongue dancing with his.  Scully stroked the bulge in his pants, growing
excited at the hardness she felt there.  It had been a long, long time and
she ached for his cock. 

She unclasped his belt, spreading his tunics open to explore his muscular
chest and flat abdomen.  Her hand brushed lightly over his nipples, causing a
him to moan into her mouth.  She gently tugged on his nipples hardening them.
He felt his lust grow and his groin tighten.  He brought his hands to her
chest, trying to figure out how to unclasp her bra, he tried the front, he
tried the back, he even tried the side, but couldn't figure it out.

He was glad that women in the Star Wars universe didn't wear these things. 
He finally called on the Force and the bra snapped open, revealing luscious,
full breasts.  Obi-Wan's hand eagerly fondled them, caressing the underside
lightly first, then circling the nipples until they were hard nubs.  Then he
took the entire breast into his hand, kneading it passionately, while
Scully's hand slipped inside his leggings.

Scully tore her mouth away from his.  "You don't wear underwear?" She asked
breathlessly.

"Just gets in the way."

She nodded.  "Move the seat back."

Obi-Wan fumbled around, but couldn't find the right switch.  "Um, I can't
seem to find the controls..."

Scully gave an exasperated moan. "Use the Force then!"

"I thought you didn't believe in the Force."  Obi-Wan retorted.

"There is no other possible explanation for how you finally managed to get my
bra open."

"Oh, yes, in that case," Obi-Wan waved his hand and the seat pushed back,
leaving ample room between Obi-Wan and the steering wheel for Scully. 

Scully had already kicked off her heels, damn things hurt her feet, so she
hiked up her skirt, revealing that she too, was not wearing any underwear. 
She was wearing black, thigh-high stockings attached to a very sexy garter
belt though.

Obi-Wan felt a surge of uncontrollable lust shoot through him at the site of
her thigh-high stockings and her skirt scrunched around her waist, revealing
that yes, she was a natural redhead.  Of course, the mind trick failure had
already proved that.

Scully grinned and reached back inside of his leggings, pulling his hot,
engorged cock out.  "You said I could touch it."

"Oh, please, touch it, hold it, suck it, stroke it, whatever you want,"
Obi-Wan moaned.

Scully ran her hand up and down the impressive length.  She traced the tip
lightly with a finger then lowered her face to it, kissing the leaking slit
and licking the salty taste from her lips.  Then she lowered her lips over
it, enveloping the cock in the heated wetness of her mouth.  She sucked
Obi-Wan vigorously, while he tangled his hands through her silky hair,
pulling it away from her face.

"Nnnnnnnngh," Obi-Wan moaned, his hips beginning to thrust from the
overwhelming sensation. 

Scully pulled back, releasing his cock and climbed carefully over the gear
shift to straddle Obi-Wan's legs.  She pressed her center against his shaft,
rubbing her wetness over it.  Obi-Wan groaned and grabbed her hips, wrapping
his fingers around the material of her skirt.  Their lips crushed together in
a demanding kiss, tongues plunging and battling.

Scully lowered her hips, sheathing Obi-Wan's cock.  They both moaned into
each others' mouths, she rocked her hips into his, the ecstasy of his cock
filling her driving her rapid movements. 

Obi-Wan thrust up, the friction and heat of her tight, wet wall surrounding
his shaft gave him incredible pleasure.  He wanted her to ride him as fast
and as hard as she could. She must have been Force-sensitive, because she
began to slam her body ferociously fast and hard into his.  His cock pushed
deeper inside of her, stroking her sensitive spot, sending her over the edge
of pleasure.  Her body stiffened and shuddered as she climaxed, her muscles
contracting and tightening around his cock.  His body tensed and spasms
traveled through him, his hips thrusting wildly off the leather seat as his
hot liquid erupted inside of her.  

Scully's body went limp, collapsing into Obi-Wan's.  They were both sweaty
and sated. 
"I think I need a cigarette," Scully whispered hoarsely. 

"I think I want to transfer to the FBI." Obi-Wan mused, wrapping his arms
around Special Agent Dana Scully.  "Let Qui-Gon find his chosen brat on his
own."

"I don't think they would let you keep your lightsaber, it's definitely not a
regulation weapon."

"Damn."

Outside, Darth Maul walked past the parked BMW, paying it no mind, he was
elated in his discovery of Washington, DC.  His Master would be pleased with
the amount of corruption and debauchery present here.  Maul had never found a
more wretched hive of scum and villainy. 

A sudden movement in front of him made Maul stop in his tracks and place his
hand on his lightsaber.  Maul's eyes fixed on a glowing, orange light in the
shadows.  Out of the shadows stepped an older man.  He smiled warmly at Maul
and puffed on a cigarette casually.  "We have much to discuss, my friend,"
the cigarette smoking man said smoothly. 

Maul grunted.

The cigarette smoking man flicked his cigarette and exhaled a cloud of smoke.
"I may or may not be your father, who may have had or not had an affair with
your mother and I may or may not be the father of your sister also."

Maul grunted.

THE END