Title:  Once Upon a Time - A Fractured Fairytale, Part 1
Author:  Dorotea
Rating:  PG-13, this part, considering my track record, it probably won't
stay that way.
Disclaimer:  If I owned Obi-Wan, do you think I would waste my time writing
fanfic?  Hell, no. 
Category:  Humor, adventure, romance...a multi-purpose story
Archive:  Yes, please.
Summary:  Obi-Wan is sent on a mission to rescue a Princess.  The Princess
has other ideas. 
Author's Notes:  This strange story was inspired by many works including that
of Patricia Wrede (The Enchanted Forest Chronicles) and by my desire to start
a story with the phrase, 'Once upon a time'.
Feedback:  Feel free to tell me I'm insane.  DSenjak@aol.com

Once Upon a Time -  A Fractured Fairytale
Part 1

Once upon a time there was a fair and handsome Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
The Jedi Council had sent young Knight Kenobi on a mission to rescue a fair
and beautiful princess.  The Princess Gwendolen had reportedly been locked in
a tower by her wicked stepmother.

Knight Kenobi trudged through the forest, pondering his mission.  He
considered this to be a waste of his skills.  Rescuing damsels in distress? 
Would they want him to start slaying dragons next? Surely all that was in
order here was a little family counseling, not a Jedi Knight.  And why did
they always put castles in the middle of nowhere? 

Suddenly Obi-Wan heard a rustle behind him. Before he could turn around, a
blow struck the side of his head, knocking him to the ground.  Obi-Wan called
his lightsaber to his hand, but a vibroblade stabbed through his arm, pinning
it to the forest floor.  Obi-Wan gasped in pain as his attacker stepped down
on his arm. 

"Don't move!" The attacker ordered.

Obi-Wan looked up at his attacker.  She was standing with one black-booted
stiletto heel on his arm and the other pressed against his ribs.  In her hand
was a very big blaster.  She wore skintight black leather pants, a leather
tank top and another blaster hung from a low-slung belt.  She had bright,
short red hair and an evil grin. 

"Um, I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi...."

"So?" She asked.

Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably.  "I was just introducing myself, I'm on a
mission..."

"SO?"  She repeated.

Obi-Wan sighed, this woman was impossible.  "Will you let me up, please?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment.  "Why should I?" 

"Well, I don't mean you any harm, I'm just here to rescue the princess..."

"Princess Gwendolen?"  She asked, digging the toe of her boots into his ribs.

"Yes," Obi-Wan said.  "I was sent by the Jedi Council..."

Suddenly the woman grabbed his lightsaber and threw it into the forest, then
she plopped down on Obi-Wan's chest, her knees digging into his biceps, and
put the barrel of her blaster in his mouth.  "You will leave immediately. 
The Princess does not need your help.  If you do not leave, all you will
cause is more trouble.  Do understand, you holier than everyone else,
meddling in private family affairs, Jedi wuss?"

"Maj;fuikheatohgf.lsndfslafioe;pw," Obi-Wan said, voice muffled by the barrel
of the blaster.

"Just nod yes or no!"  The woman screamed.

Obi-Wan nodded. 

The woman smiled sweetly, removed the blaster from his mouth and pulled the
vibroblade from his arm, but remained seated on his chest.

Obi-Wan groaned in pain.  "My arm...."

"You'll live...if you leave."

"Why don't you want the princess rescued?"  Obi-Wan asked.

The woman smiled.  "The princess doesn't need to be rescued.  Leave. If you
can get past the dragon.  He lets people into the valley, but not out."

"A dragon?"  Obi-Wan closed his eyes and moaned, maybe this was just some
kind of bizarre nightmare.  What had he drunk last night?  How much had he
had?  "I can handle a dragon, but I'm not leaving until I rescue the
princess."

The woman smirked at him. "Well, you're doing a wonderful job so far."

"I just don't want to hurt you," Obi-Wan countered.

The woman rolled her eyes.  "Thank you for being so gallant," she pulled the
vibroblade from his arm as he grunted in pain.  She stood up, placing her
sharp heel on his wounded arm and glared down at the Knight writhing in pain
on the ground.  "Go back to your Temple, Jedi pretty boy or else," she said
before quickly disappearing into the forest. 

Obi-Wan groaned and sat-up, gingerly inspecting his wounded arm.  He sighed. 
A dragon, a castle, a princess...how in the Sith had he gotten stuck in a
fairytale?

Once Upon A Time 2

Obi-Wan had retrieved his lightsaber, bandaged his arm and attempted to
contact the Council, only to discover that his comlink wasn't working.  He
trudged through the forest with quiet determination to settle this family
dispute as quickly as possible.   

Finally, he saw the castle in the distance.  He picked up his stride,
reaching the drawbridge quickly.  A beautiful young maiden stood at the
entrance.  She smiled fawningly at Obi-Wan.  "How may I help you?"  She asked.

"I'm Knight Kenobi.  Are you Princess Gwendolen?" Obi-Wan asked, befuddled as
to why a young maiden would be guarding the palace.

The girl's smile faded.  "No, have you seen her?"  The girl asked anxiously,
her eyes scanning the forest behind Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan pointed at the tower.  "I heard she was locked in the tower."

The girl shook her head, grabbing Obi-Wan's injured arm, causing him to gasp
in pain.  The girl didn't notice and clung tightly to his arm.  "No!  She
should be locked in the tower or the dungeon!  You must save us from her!"

Obi-Wan tried to dislodge his arm from the girl's death grip to no avail. 
"Save you from the Princess?  I'm here to save her."

The girl snorted.  "She doesn't need to be saved!  She has locked my mother
in the tower just because dear mum tried to get her to act like a proper
princess.  Princess Gwendolen is a terror!  She is ill-tempered, violent and
strong-minded!  She can't even bat her eyelashes.  She is a horrible
princess."

Something clicked in Obi-Wan's mind, finally.  "Does she have bright red hair
and a fondness for black leather?"

The extremely blonde haired girl nodded.  "Yes!  She carries weapons and
plots to kill the dragon."

"Hmmm.  Well, what is wrong with killing the dragon?"

"She can't kill the dragon!  Princesses don't slay dragons. Men slay dragons,
but she's scared them all away.  But, now you are here and you can kill the
dragon and rescue my mother."  The girl smiled adoringly at Obi-Wan, batting
her eyelashes. 

Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a moment.  He was confused.  This had to be one
of the strangest places he had ever been.  "Maybe I should talk to your
mother," he said finally.

The girl nodded and much to Obi-Wan's relief, released his arm.  "Follow me,"
she said, carefully looking around the castle. "I think Princess Gwendolyn is
still in the forest, hunting."  The girl shuddered. "She has no shame."

***************************

They climbed and climbed steps, finally reaching the tower door.  "It's
magically locked, only the Princess can open it," the girl said. 

"Magic?"  Obi-Wan grinned and pulled out his lightsaber.  "We'll see about
that."

Obi-Wan ignited his lightsaber while the maiden oohed and awed, still batting
her eyelashes at him.  Obi-Wan theatrically slashed at the door with his
lightsaber.  The blade bounced harmlessly off the door.

Obi-Wan knitted his brows together. "Hmmm."

The maiden sighed.  "I told you, it's magic.  The princess is a witch also,
and I don't mean that as a euphemism for that b word that rhymes with witch
either, although she is that too."

Obi-Wan stared at the door with his brow furrowed, as if some solution would
magically appear.  Magic?  There was no such thing.  Well, there was the
Force, but that wasn't magic. Obi-Wan reached out with Force to touch the
spells on the door, but his concentration was broken by a white furball
pouncing at him.  The furball landed on Obi-Wan's leg and dug her claws in,
hanging from his thigh.

Obi-Wan shrieked and shook his leg trying to dislodge the cat.  The cat
howled and hissed, digging her claws even further into his flesh.

"Rosebud, release him," a voice called from the steps. 

The cat hissed one last time and dropped from Obi-Wan's leg.  Obi-Wan turned
toward the steps to see Princess Gwendolen walking up them with a grin on her
face.

Obi-Wan grimaced, examining his torn leggings and bleeding thigh.  Rosebud
sat, licking her paws, radiating wicked satisfaction in a job well-done. 

"Did my pussy hurt you?" The princess asked in a teasing tone.

Obi-Wan arched a brow. "No, I'm fine," he answered as flatly as possible,
trying not let any humor show in his eyes at the innuendo of her question.

The princess saw the slight twinkle in his eyes, she was pleasantly
surprised, but not pleased enough to want him to stay.  "I see you met my
stepsister, Linnea, a brainless princess wannabe.  As you probably have been
told, I am Princess Gwendolen and quite obviously I don't need to be rescued,
so you can be on your way, Jedi."

Obi-Wan cleared his throat and pointed to the tower door.  "What about her?"

"Yes, my mother needs to be set free!"  Linnea exclaimed dramatically,
clutching her hands to her heart.

The princess snorted.  "Your mother locked me in the tower and threw away the
key."  The princess smiled smugly at Obi-Wan.  "Unfortunately for her, I know
how to pick locks."

Linnea started to protest again and the princess pulled out a vibroblade out
her boot and waved it at Linnea's eyelashes.  Obi-Wan moved between the two. 
"Okay, stay calm.  I'm sure this can all be worked out."

"It has been worked out. That meddling bitch is staying locked up and I'm
going on a quest to kill the dragon and free the valley from his tyranny,"
Princess Gwendolen said, pressing the point of the vibroblade to the dimple
on Obi-Wan's chin. 

Obi-Wan was losing his patience with the leatherclad princess, but he kept
his tone diplomatic and said, "If we all just sit down, I'm sure we can
negotiate an agreement that will make everyone happy and result in no one
being locked in towers." 

The princess glared at him.  "The last time I sat down with that woman she
tried to make me fold napkins in the shape of swans!  Swans!"

Obi-Wan coughed, trying to suppress laughter.  "Well, um, I'm sure that was a
horrific experience for you Princess Gwendolen, but surely not justification
for imprisoning your stepmother."

"I'm going to fold you in the shape of swan if you laugh at me again, Kelobi."

"Kenobi," Obi-Wan corrected.

"So?" The princess asked. 

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and sighed.  This princess was impossible, it was
time to end this.  "Listen, Princess Gwendolen, we can do this the hard way
or the easy way, but you are unlocking that door now!  Do you understand me?"
Obi-Wan commanded.

Princess Gwendolen laughed.  Hard.  And for a long time.  She sheathed her
vibroblade and rolled on the landing, laughing.  Obi-Wan frowned, his eyes
moved from the laughing princess to her furry familiar, even the cat was
snickering.  Obi-Wan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his Master had
warned him there would be days like this.

Once Upon a Time 3


Obi-Wan closed his eyes and sighed.  This princess was impossible, it was
time to end this.  "Listen, Princess Gwendolen, we can do this the hard way
or the easy way, but you are unlocking that door now!  Do you understand me?"
Obi-Wan commanded.

Princess Gwendolen laughed.  Hard.  And for a long time.  She sheathed her
vibroblade and rolled on the landing, laughing.  Obi-Wan frowned, his eyes
moved from the laughing princess to her furry familiar, even the cat was
snickering.  Obi-Wan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his Master had
warned him there would be days like this. >>

The Princess finally stopped laughing, still sitting on the floor, she petted
Rosebud for a minute, then stood up. She noted that Obi-Wan's face was tense
and his hands clenched into tight fists.  "Are you quite finished?" He asked,
quietly seething. 

Princess Gwendolen had never seen anyone seethe quietly, she was almost
impressed by his self-control.  If someone had laughed at her that way, they
would be missing limbs at the very least.  "Until you say something else
ridiculous, yes, I'm finished," the princess stated smugly.

They stared at each other for a long moment. Obi-Wan pondered the best course
of action.  He had tried logical diplomacy, that hadn't worked; he had tried
commanding confrontation, obviously that wasn't going to work.  He decided to
stay quiet and let her make the next move. 

Princess Gwendolen frowned slightly.  He wasn't going to leave quietly and it
didn't appear that she would get very far trying to scare this man away. 
"This is what we are going to do," she started in her very best royal
commanding voice, "we will allow you to accompany us on a quest to slay the
dragon."

"We?"  Obi-Wan asked.

"I'm speaking in the royal 'we'."

"Thank you for 'allowing' me to join your quest, but that door still has to
be opened."  Obi-Wan countered.

Linnea snickered, she had never seen anyone who had the nerve to stand up to
Gwendolen.  Princess Gwendolen spun on her.  "Would like to spend the rest of
your worthless life catching worms, sister dearest?"

Linnea shook head in the negative, cowering.

Princess Gwendolen nodded and turned back to Obi-Wan.  "I just managed to rid
the castle of all traces of chintz, taffeta and pastels and redecorated in
the proper gothic style, if I let her out by the time I return..." the
princess shuddered. "my room will be pink and peach again, with bows, ribbons
and dried flowers."

Obi-Wan knitted his brows together.  "You have your stepmother locked in the
tower because she wanted you to fold napkins into swan shapes and because of
her decorating style?"

The Princess smiled grimly.  "And she poisoned my father."

Obi-Wan arched a brow and glanced at Linnea.  She nodded sheepishly.

Obi-Wan sighed heavily.  "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" He
asked Princess Gwendolen through gritted teeth. 

"Because this way was more amusing for me," the princess answered.

Obi-Wan shook his head, he had dealt with a lot of royalty and powerful
people, they were all eccentric, but this Princess was the most exasperating
woman he had ever met.  He wasn't sure if he wanted to spank her or kiss her
or both.  Where the Sith had that thought come from?  'I'm not attracted to
her,' he told himself. 

Obi-Wan looked at Linnea who was once again batting her eyelashes and trying
to appear innocent.  She became blurry and the walls began to move, Obi-Wan
reached out to brace himself against the stone wall, suddenly feeling
lightheaded and feverish.  He sunk down to the floor, the coldness of the
stone felt good against his burning face as he leaned his cheek against the
wall. 

Princess Gwendolen knelt beside him.  "Kezobi?  Are you okay?" She asked,
slapping his face, hard.  "Kelobi?"

Obi-Wan gathered all his strength and exclaimed, "Kenobi.  Obi-Wan Kenobi." 

The last thing he heard before darkness descended over his consciousness was,
"So?"

Once Upon a Time, part 4

The Princess stood by the massive carved wood bed, watching the sleeping
knight, his golden hair shining against the black sheets.  She brushed his
blonde locks off his forehead.  Rosebud meowed.

The Princess glanced down at her cat.  "He can't be the one.  Just because I
couldn't turn him to a frog, doesn't mean he's the one.  Obviously, I
couldn't turn him into a frog because he's not a prince."

"Meow, meow."

"Shut up, I don't care about facts and I do not like him.  He's arrogant and
earnest, an unbelievably annoying contradictory combination."

Rosebud jumped on the bed and padded across the thick black down comforter
and pawed lightly at Obi-Wan's bare chest, meowing plaintively. 

"I am not going to try it."

Rosebud curled up on Obi-Wan's chest and began licking her claws.  "Meow."

"I am not scared.  I just think it's silly.  A kiss isn't going to wake him
up.  If you would stay out of my herbs, this wouldn't have happened.  You're
the one that poisoned him, you kiss him."

Rosebud smirked.  Yes, cats can do that.

Princess Gwendolen sighed and leaned over Obi-Wan's face.  "Hey you, wake
up," she said, poking his face.  Obi-Wan did not stir.

Rosebud meowed, still grooming herself.

Princess Gwendolen frowned.  "Okay, I'll try it, but I'm not going to enjoy
it."

Rosebud snickered.  Yes, cats can do that.

The Princess brushed her lips lightly against Obi-Wan's soft, warm lips. 
"Wake up, sleeping beauty."  She closed her eyes and pressed her lips firmly
against his, ignoring the warm tingle spreading throughout her body. 

Obi-Wan's eyes opened as he regained consciousness and returned her kiss. 
The Princess' eyes snapped open and she jumped back.  "Damn, it worked! That
can't be a good thing!"

"What worked?"  Obi-Wan asked groggily, shifting as his hand automatically
reached out to stroke the warm furball that was curled up on his chest. 

"Nothing.  Nevermind," The Princess said edgily.  "How do you feel?" She
asked, still backing away from the bed as if she feared that Obi-Wan was
suddenly going to lunge at her or maybe that she was going to suddenly pounce
on him.  She rested her hand on the blaster strapped to her hip.  The cool
metal against her hand was comforting.  

"My body aches, but I don't feel feverish anymore," Obi-Wan answered,
stroking Rosebud's fur as the cat arched her back and purred.  "Your pussy
seems to have taken a liking to me."

Princess Gwendolen arched a brow.  She tried thinking of a snappy retort, but
his twinkling turquoise eyes were turning her snappy retorts to mush.  'I
will not let him get the best of me.'  She told herself.  She blinked,
breaking the spell of his eyes.  A slow smile spread across her face as she
sauntered back to the side of the bed.  She leaned over Obi-Wan and whispered
seductively, "Wouldn't you rather stroke a wet pussy?"

Obi-Wan's eyes widened as he peered in to her deep green orbs.  He could feel
her hot breath against his face and her scent of cinnamon and curry filled
his senses. His eyes lowered to the tight leather stretched across her chest.
He could see the outline of her nipples and he felt a surge of lust and a
tightening in his groin.  He tried to speak, but all that came out was a
small moan. 

Princess Gwendolen smiled with satisfaction, standing up straight she said,
"You can sleep here tonight." Her eyes shifted to Rosebud.  "You need to go
mousing.  Earn your keep."

Rosebud ignored the Princess and purred contentedly, stretching, then
resettling into the crook of Obi-Wan's arm. 

The Princess shook her head in disgust, almost shuddering when a visual of
herself in the knight's arms flashed in her brain.  She took a breath,
suppressing the thought and then turned her attention back to Obi-Wan.  "I
want to leave first thing in the morning.  Will you be ready?" She asked
tersely. 

"Yes," Obi-Wan said, still absently petting Rosebud.  "How did you get me in
bed?"

The Princess grinned.  "I dragged you down the steps, then Linnea and I
managed to get you on the bed.  She broke a nail and has whined endlessly
about it." 

"You dragged me down the steps? No wonder my body aches."

"Your body aches?  For a wuss, you're solid.  How do you think my arms feel?"

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said apologetically, diplomatically ignoring the wuss
comment. "I don't know what made me pass out like that."

The Princess exchanged a look with Rosebud.  "Don't worry about it," Princess
Gwendolen said quickly.  "I'm going to make the final preparations for our
quest.  Um," she studied him for a moment, for some reason she was reluctant
to leave his company.

'No,' she said to herself, 'just because my kiss woke him up and my attempt
to turn him into a frog while he was passed out didn't work does not mean he
is the one.'

Rosebud meowed a taunt and Princess Gwendolen scowled at the cat.  "I could
replace you with a black cat, more proper for a witch anyway or maybe a big
dog."

Like any good cat Rosebud ignored the threat and dozed off to sleep. 

The Princess scowled at the cat and the small smirk on Obi-Wan's face. 
"Goodnight, Kenoli."

"Goodnight, Guenuivere." 

The Princess didn't respond to his deliberate slip-up of her name and walked
out of the room.  She was halfway down the hall when she realized not only
did she have an idiotic grin plastered across her face, but she was
humming...a love song!  She came to a dead stop.  "I'm tired, that's it.  And
stressed.  I just need a good night of sleep.  And a shower.  A cold shower,"
she muttered to herself as she resumed walking down the hall.  "A very cold
shower."

************

Rosebud purred, snuggling in closer next to Obi-Wan.  "Sweet kitty," Obi-Wan
said as he ran his fingers through her fur, desperately trying to purge
thoughts of stroking Princess Gwendolen from his mind.  He shifted restlessly
in the bed, his arousal making it impossible to get comfortable.

Rosebud drifted to sleep with the knowledge that everything was going
perfectly and it was only a matter of time now.