Title:  Tales from No Force Rentals, Inc.
Author: Tam Chronin & Gillian Taylor
Category: Humor // Drama
Characters: Anyone with a midichlorian count less than 100
Summary: Tired of those pesky midichlorians? Tired of saber practice? Tired of guys who can read your mind and every secret fantasy in there (especially those not involving them)? Tired of seeing spirits of Jedi Masters hanging around? Tired of prophecies? Tired of the Code? Tired of the Jedi Council? Tired of seeing your favorite character being killed and/or bisected in an epic lightsaber duel?
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster..." Just call NO FORCE RENTALS for your good old-fashioned Forceless fun!

============

Chapter 2  (Gillian Taylor)

*******

I moaned in protest when my warm blanket was wrenched
off of me and I curled myself in a tighter ball in
unspoken protest at being waken.

"Wake up, Gill!" a rough voice said, almost in my ear.

Damn, I knew that voice. I opened one eye slightly to
be faced with a younger, but no less adorable, Han
Solo. Mentally I cursed the day that I taught him how
to open the dorm room doors even when they were
locked. 

"Lemme alone," I grumbled, closing my eye again in
silent protest to being awaken at this ungodly hour.

And with absolutely no warning, I had warm lips
lightly suckling at my ear. The man definitely knew
how to get me up. I groaned, but not just because I
didn't want to crawl out of bed. "Get off of me you
big oaf and I'll get up."

He chuckled and moved away as requested, allowing me
to drag my exhausted body out of bed. "What is it? 
You know full well that I get to sleep in on
Saturdays."

"Yeah, but I knew that you'd want to be a part of
this," Han responded, and his grin sent shivers down
my spin.

"And what is 'this?'" I asked, unable to truly form
any more intelligible phrases until my mind woke up
more.

"No Force Rentals," he said proudly as if I would know
what he was talking about.

"And that is..."

"Well, basically, Lando and I..."

"Lando?! You and Lando?! Dear God, what are you two
up to now?" I moaned, recalling the last time that
those two trouble makers had gotten together. The
result was one very wet city and one very annoyed
diminutive and green Jedi Master. Not something to be
repeated in this lifetime, well...no.

"Calm down!" he tried to pacify me from going into a
rant. The man definitely knew me well, even though we
had only met...what, five months ago? I had met the
older Han before, of course, and then again when I was
at the Thanksgiving party at RaJ, but the young Han
was something entirely different.

"Alright, alright, speak," I said with a sigh.

"Basically, I gave Mary a gift for her birthday. I
know that you've been to a Rent-a-Jedi party
before...and basically we're creating another
Rent-a-Person deal. Only thing is, we'll be doing the
smugglers, the Rebels, the pilots, the senators, and
the Imperials..."

"Han, are you saying what I think you're saying? 
You're going to be giving yourself out to clients day
in day out? And where do I fit in all this? You want
me for your first client or something?" I asked with a
leer. True, I haven't actually 'done it' like Crys
has 'done it' but I can toss innuendo with the best of
them.

Han grinned, "Nope. Though I wouldn't object to
your...sampling the merchandise."

I shook my head, "Ha. Ha. Then why did you get me up
at this ungodly hour? Just to have me praise you for
your ingenuity for helping Mary get a hold of this 'No
Force Rentals?'"

"To get you to come back with me to meet Mary," he
said, and his vagueness was getting me ready to pull
out a blaster and shoot him where it counts.

"Once again, Han, WHY?" I said, my voice informing him
in no uncertain means that I meant business.

"I wanted to get you to come and work there. In
retail."

"Retail?!" I asked, astonished, "Damnit, Han, I'm an
engineer not a salesperson!" 

"Gill! You've got a good imagination, you love
drawing, you can create graphics, you can fix engines
and pilot ships...you're perfect for the job!" Han
said, attempting to pacify me with compliments.

I nodded, accepting his words, "I may be that, but
that doesn't mean that I want to sell people like you
for the rest of my life."

"The word is 'rent,' Gill. Rent. C'mon, kid, you can
say it..." He earned a punch for his smart-alec
remark, "Ow! Ok, ok, so will you do it?"

"How much will I get paid?" I asked, not completely
dismissing the idea for once. Maybe trying something
a little aside from engineering might be good for me.

"I knew you were going to ask that," he responded and
I just grinned back.

Han spoke with me long into the morning, and I finally
gave him my verbal 'maybe' to working at NFR. Maybe I
was nuts, maybe I wasn't, but it seemed like a good
idea at the time. We agreed to meet later on in the
afternoon so he could take me to see Mary. He hoped
that she would be able to do a better job of
convincing me to sign the paperwork, but I wanted to
keep my options open before I figuratively 'signed my
life away.' Despite my 'maybe,' I couldn't help but
feel as if something momentous had happened to me. 
After all, knowing somewhat what life was like at
Rent-a-Jedi, I knew that life was about to get a lot
more interesting. If only I knew just *how* much...

=======

Chapter 3  (Mary)

********

Time? Gods, what was that? Oh yah, it was that thing I was supposed to have but couldn't find any of, especially this late in pregnancy. How was I supposed to set up a new business, let alone run it, when I only had a few months until the baby would be here? I threw my glasses on the desk just as the phone rang and Chewbacca's voice came over the speaker.

"Sure, Chewie, I'll talk to him again for all the good it will do. I'd think he would get the hint by now…no, I don't need you to give him a stronger one. No, I have an even meaner idea. Well, if I invited Mirax over and asked her--" He switched the line over as I started to laugh.

"Hi Corran, what can I do for you this time?" I listened for a while before finally cutting him off. "We've been over this before. I have thousands of fliers out there guaranteeing that no one will find a midi-chlorian count over…" He ranted for a few more moments. "I know you're not a Jedi, and I know all your friends will be working here. I also know that you would like to keep an eye on some of your enemies that will be employed here, but you'll have to trust Wedge to keep his eye out for them instead. I know you wouldn't fit in, but you really should call Ziggy and try Rent-a-Jedi again, even if you don't exactly feel right as a Jedi. I mean--" I cut off the well-rehearsed triad and listened for a moment. "What do you mean you can't get in touch with her?" Pause. "Well, somebody should know where she--" Pause. "I'll find out what I can."

I didn't have to wait too long. Han walked in just as I hung up the phone. "Mary, did you see Ziggy while she was here?"

Well, that would explain why Corran couldn't find her. "I've been so busy I didn't even know she was here, Han. What's going on?"

"I don't have time to go into it right now, but she's upset and she ran off. I was hoping she told you something or said something off hand to you to give you a clue where she might be."

"No such luck. I have a lot to do here, but you go help find her. Oh, and send Lando in, I'm trying to figure out the budget and need to know if we have enough for a clone closet right away or if I have to work your lazy asses off first."

"He's kinda busy right now…."

"He's playing sabacc and losing. Trust me, he'll gripe at you and thank me in private." I smiled as Han got that 'you're the boss' look on his face.

A few moments later I heard Lando shouting from the other side of the door, "You guys are lucky, you have no idea how lucky you are! If I didn't have to leave, you'd all be begging Mary for advances for the next year!" The door opened to the sound of the other guys laughing, then he closed the door behind him and slumped. "Talk about worthless hands! If you hadn't called me in here…." He noticed me hunched over the desk laughing. "You knew! How do you always know?"

I shrugged. "I'm just talented, I guess."

"Are you ever," he replied in a suggestive tone.

I patted my bulging belly and smiled. "Well, my fiancée seems to think so."

"He has no idea how lucky he is." He turned serious and looked at me with melancholy eyes.

I rolled my eyes. "Just like you didn't know how lucky you were two years ago?" Still, my heart skipped a beat at the memory. "Look, if you want to have that discussion again I'll have to pencil you in for next week some time…right now we need to talk business while I still have time to."

He looked at the piles of papers and disks on my desk. "How did you get so far behind? Where's Cat?"

I grinned. "Since I'm benched she gets to do the recruiting." Lucky girl! Especially considering who she was sent to get….

****

The files at Rent-a-Jedi were a mess! I had hoped to find the names of caterers and entertainers from the gala in fifteen minutes and be gone without incident, but an hour later I was on my hands and knees when the door opened.

"Tam, what are you doing here?" Deep rumbly voice, measured mechanical breathing, aura of darkness I could almost see…

"Zurg, what are you doing here?" I smiled wickedly, knowing he wouldn't get the reference.

"You're not Tam!" He accused.

"And you aren't Zurg! Man, I've been gypped!" I mocked him, bringing a hand to my cheek as if surprised. "Sorry, there are a handful of people around here that are allowed to call me Tam, but you aren't one of them. You can call me Mary." I swallowed my apprehension and stood up, extending my hand in a friendly gesture.

He ignored the hand for a moment. "Who is Zurg?"

"You don't want to know, Lord Vader. Trust me."

"Who are you?"

"The idiot they convinced to run No Force Rentals. I'm here trying to figure out how I'm going to throw a successful party opening night. Unfortunately, the records here weren't the help I had hoped for." I glanced deliberately at my extended arm. "I'd greet you properly, but it seems my arm is destined to fall off before then--unless you care to help me out first."

He finally took my hand and bowed over it. I felt a jolt at the contact, but did my best to ignore it. "Your reputation proceeds you," he intoned.

"All of it slanderous, I hope." I grinned, but inside I was thinking: **I refuse to be flustered, I refuse to be flustered, I refuse--I'm practically married!**

"You will fit in perfectly around here," he said as he turned around.

"I'll be sure to tell Liz you said that," I muttered as I got back to work. An hour later I had all the information I needed and left to plan the Valentine's Day/Opening Night bash. I was running out of time a lot faster than ever now, and still no sign of Cat…though Han had said something about finding someone else to help me out too.

========

Chapter 4 (Gillian)

No Force Rentals:  Last Woman Standing


"And then there was one," I intoned halfheartedly as I
replaced the receiver on the phone.  That was one call
that I wasn't expecting, especially not from Jerri.
Jerri Kun, psychiatrist extraordinaire, had just
informed me that I was now the sole remaining original
member of the PVC-Perpetual Virgins Club.  God help us
all.

The PVC was something that I and a group of about four
of my friends invented late one Friday night after our
usual dosage of 'The X-Files.'  We were rather
frustrated about the lack of good 'sexual' relations
between our favorite FBI agents and began speaking
about our own love lives, or rather the lack thereof.
The final creation of that night was the PVC, and now
I am the last woman standing from that night's pact.

I found myself wondering if there was something wrong
with me.  Its not as if I go around in public with
'Temple Virgin' tattooed on my back, or wearing a
steel chastity belt.  Its not even that I'm
inordinately jealous that my friends, like Crys, were
'getting some.'  I know who I am, I like who I am, and
that doesn't mean that I'm going to jump the first guy
that comes my way.  (Especially if its Han)  Instead,
its more along the lines of envy that they all have
someone *male* that they can talk to...that they can
love and be loved by.  'Maybe I'm just a pathetic
sap,' I mused as I flipped on my computer to check my
email.  Anything was better than thinking about my
PVC-dom.

However, what I wasn't counting on was my favorite
smuggler coming online at the same time.

SxySmglr:  What's up kid?
TexPhile:  You always call me that.  I do not think it
means what you think it means.
SxySmglr:  Huh?
TexPhile:  Sorry, regressing into my Princess Bride
mode.
SxySmglr:  Ohkay....
TexPhile:  What'd you want?
SxySmglr:  Who says that I have to want something?
TexPhile:  That's why you usually write to me.
SxySmglr:  That's not true!  What if I just wanted to
talk to a pretty girl?
TexPhile:  *gagging sound* Then you've most DEFINITELY
got the wrong number.
SxySmglr:  Its 1-900-SEX-PHILE, right?
TexPhile:  Grrrrrrr
SxySmglr:  You know I like it when you growl at me,
Gill.
TexPhile:  :-P
SxySmglr:  Ooooh, getting feisty now, huh?
TexPhile:  Han, just shut up, ok?  I'm not in the
mood.
SxySmglr:  What's wrong?
TexPhile:  Nothing. 
SxySmglr:  Liar.
TexPhile:  I don't want to talk about it, ok?
SxySmglr:  Not even to me? *puppy-dog eyes*
TexPhile:  DEFINITELY not to you, Dog-Man.
SxySmglr:  I'm wounded.
TexPhile:  I'm heading off now.  Bye.
SxySmglr:  HEY!  Wait a min...
<<TexPhile has logged off>>

I cradled my head in my hands after I logged off from
the network.  I guess that I am a pathetic sap,
especially after the way I treated Han.  I should be
more kind to him, but he makes it so damn easy to
insult or tease him...and he can be so...infuriating!

During my mental tirade, my hands clenched around my
forehead not in anger but in shear frustration.  This
was not getting me anywhere. 

The sharp ring of the phone interrupted my inner
thoughts and I dreaded hearing the voice on the other
end.  I picked up the phone and answered with an
abrupt, "Hello?"

"Gill, what's wrong?" HIS voice returned.

"Han, I *told* you that I don't want to talk about it,
ok?  I'm FINE." 'Fine, yeah right, Gill.  And if you
believe that I've got a bridge that I can sell you.'

"Gill, c'mon...tell..."

"Its stupid," I confessed, suddenly realizing that I
did want to talk to someone about this. 

"Its obviously bothering you," he said gently.

"I guess...its just that I'm the last woman standing,"
'There.  I said it.  Happy now?'

"What?  'Last woman standing?'  What's that mean?"

"Its *really* stupid," I said again, feeling a hot
flush spread across my cheeks.  'Great job, Gillian,
you're the one that brought it up...and now you're
going to have to answer him if you don't want to end
up on the receiving end of another of the infamous Han
'You-Are-Going-To-Tell-Me-What's-Bothering-You-Or-Else-I-Sick-My-Wookie-On-You'
chats.'

Only silence responded to me, and I could feel him
waiting on the other end.

"Fine.  Its the PVC...Perpetual Virgins Club," I said
miserably.

His sudden bark of laughter was shocking enough to
make me start, "Sorry, I know I shouldn't have done
that...so you're the last virgin in the club?"

'Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn...' the word repeated in
my mind until it was a jumble.  THIS was why I didn't
want to talk about it with him.  It was too
embarrassing to tell someone who's a) not female and
b) not female. 

"Gill?" he asked again, the laughter still evident in
his voice.

Oh how I wanted to wrap my fingers around his neck and
squeeze...

"Gill, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make fun of
you..."

"Han," I responded cooly, if I had really been paying
attention to my tone, I would have noticed that it was
rather harsh, "Don't worry about it.  Its ok."  I
glanced at the clock for a second and swore sharply,
"Shit!  I've got a meeting in ten minutes.  I've got
to go.  Talk to you later, Han."

"Gill...if you want to talk some more..."

"You'll be the first person I'll call," I said, though
I didn't really mean it at that point, "See ya."

"Bye," he responded and hung up.

No matter how much I wanted to hang my head down in my
hands and rest there for a few minutes, I really did
have a meeting to go to.  Namely, Liz was going to be
showing me how to use the damn accounting software for
No Force Rentals.  Though my Uncle was an accountant,
I most definitely was not one and that program was
little more than a fine strain of Greek to me.

With a sigh, I threw on my coat and left my
apartment--leaving all thoughts of the PVC and my
conversation with Han behind me.  

==========

Chapter 5  (Mary)