Title: Maybe You And I Will Not Believe in The Things We Find Behind The Door
Author: Lyssa
Rating: R for discussions of a sexual nature, although no actual sex occurs
Category: Humor, original characters
Summary: Silver Alaska invited me to play in her sandbox, this is a sequel to "An Extraordinary Guy Can Never Have an Ordinary Day" and a prequel to an upcoming fic in her series. Ardith, Kora and Elsah do some shopping for shore leave.

Disclaimer: Obi-Wan belongs to George Lucas, but I wish he belonged to me. Please, please don't sue me George; you already get enough of my money. Ardith, Elsah, and Kora belong to Silver Alaska, she's just letting me hang out in her universe. She's welcome to hang out in mine whenever she likes.

*Very special thanks to Silver Alaska for allowing me to borrow your characters and take them shopping, and thanks for picking the title, which is, as always, from an Oasis song.

Warning- If you're looking for my typical dark, angsty slash, you're not going to find it here. This is just plain silly, no apologies.

Feedback: jedigroupie@hotmail.com

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"I can't believe you talked me into coming here," Ardith blushed as Elsah and Kora dragged her into the store. They had landed only hours before, and she and Elsah decided that the first thing they should do on Draecea would be to properly prepare for shore leave.

"See, it's not that bad," Elsah said as she shoved Ardith through the door of the shop. "It's just lingerie." The store was filled with lots of silky, lacy things, some more obscene than others, but, in general, more tasteful than the girls had expected.

"I need to find something that will be a nice surprise for Rinan. I haven't seen him in ages; he probably needs to be reminded why he misses me," Elsah laughed.

"This should do the trick," Kora suggested, holding up a red, lace teddy.

"Ooh, pretty," Ardith smiled.

"It is...OH!" Elsah gasped noticing that the bra part had an underwire but no cups. It was totally open.

Ardith grabbed it and held it up to Elsah who was giggling hysterically. "Or maybe it's better for me," she said, twirling around with the garment. "You think Zandru would like it?"

"I think he would keel over and die," Kora said, barely able to speak through the laughter.

Elsah, who had finally stopped laughing, found something else to grab her attention. "Hey, boss! Why couldn't you order a surplus of this stuff?" she shouted. "Chocolate body frosting!" She was holding up the box, modeling it like a hostess on a bad holo game show.

"Ooh! Perfect!" Kora said, grabbing the box from her. "There are three jars, one for each of us." She smiled wickedly thinking about the plans she had for it; the only thing more delicious than the General was the General covered in chocolate. Mmm...

Ardith had wandered off and was looking at candles when she called back to her friends and asked, "Do these Alderaanian aphrodisiac candles actually work?"

"YES!" the girls answered simultaneously. Their response made her jump, but as she sniffed the sweet scent of the wax her expression turned from her typical mischievous grin to something uncharacteristically dreamy. "Okay, we'll just have to see about that," she said, snapping out of her daze and picking out a pink candle.

The friends moved further into the store, laughing hysterically at the books and holovids that lined the shelves, and even popped one of the vids into the player. "OH YES!!! I want your throbbing manhood inside me, baby!" the bouncy, busty Twilek in the holovid screamed.

Ardith was started laughing so hard she fell to the floor with tears streaming down her face. The other two women finally had to turn the thing off and pick their friend up from the floor. They almost thought they were going to get kicked out, but luckily, the only other person in the shop was the Zabrak saleslady, and she was snickering quietly behind the counter.

Kora and Elsah hauled the still-giggling Ardith further back into the store to escape the embarrassment of having to face the saleslady again. "Oh my!" Kora exclaimed when she realized where they had blundered into. This section of the shop was sectioned off, with good reason. The women found themselves surrounded by some of the most obscene items they had ever seen.

"Oh, c'mon, it's not that bad," Elsah assured them.

"You keep saying that," Ardith shot back, her eyes nearly popping out of her head as she glanced around. "Why do you keep saying that?"

"I'm going to have to agree here, hon," Kora said.

"Alright, some of it IS bad, but not all of it. They have some jewelry back here. Those hoop earrings seem innocent enough." Elsah just kept trying to convince herself that they hadn't wandered into some really bad holoporn.

"Elsah, honey, those aren't for ears," Kora whispered.

Elsah looked baffled for a moment then it hit her, and her mouth dropped open in shock. All she could say was "OH!" Ardith dissolved into another giggling fit with Kora joining her this time.

After some of the wave of hysteria and the initial shock wore off, they got up the courage to explore a little bit. Ardith was perusing the vast assortment of personal massage devices and trying desperately not to crack up again, but she lost it when she saw a large purple object that could not be ignored. "Hey Kora, I think the General would really enjoy one of these, don't you?"

Kora took the package from her and promptly turned about fifty different shades of red. Elsah came over to see what the fuss was about. "A Deluxe Vibrating Butt Plug in 'Electric Plum'. It would be even better if it were in blue to go with those gorgeous eyes of his, but I still think he'll enjoy it immensely," joked Elsah.

Kora looked like she was about to die. "Can we please stop discussing my boyfriend's butt and putting things in it?" she said through gritted teeth. "I hope you realize that you're going to get fired now because there is no way in hell that I'm going to be able to hide that thought from him, and I'm going to blame it all on you two. Now can we please put the butt plug back on the shelf?"

"Yes, ma'am," Elsah and Ardith said in unison, sounding like two kids who were being sent to their rooms without supper.

Kora had drifted off to the other side of the store, still laughing to herself at the image they had conjured up. She was never going to be able to get that out of her head. How the hell was she going to explain that one to Obi-Wan? She decided she needed to find him a present to make it up to him, suddenly the perfect outfit caught her eye, a little edgy and daring, but perfect, a black satin corset with red laces up the back, and a matching red and black whip out of the softest leather she had ever felt.

Despite all her earlier protests, Elsah had chosen the red lace teddy that they had seen when they first walked in. It would most definitely assure that Rinan wouldn't forget about her no matter how long the absence. She had also picked out some flavored massage oils that she had apparently tried before and gotten very good results with.

Ardith, had chosen a sheer black, skin-tight gown with feathers at the neckline, very dramatic and sexy, guaranteed to knock Zandru's socks off and hopefully the rest of his clothes too. As if the gown and aphrodisiac candle weren't enough, she chose a pair of edible undies and some stiletto heels, poor Zandru wasn't going to stand a chance.

The friends were headed to the counter to pay for their selections when they saw Kora snatch a small box near the register. "Wait a minute, what are those?" Ardith asked.

"Blow job mints," Kora mumbled.

"Excuse me!" Elsah interrupted. "Like for after or something?"

"Not exactly," Kora said, blushing deep red again.

"Allow me to explain," chimed in the saleslady, saving Kora from yet another colossal embarrassment. "Are you familiar with those really strong mints that make your mouth tingle?" Elsah and Ardith nodded. "These are basically the same thing, only longer lasting. You eat them before you perform fellatio, and your gentleman will also be able to enjoy the wonderfully intense tingly feeling that the mint creates in your mouth." She sounded like she had just given them directions to the zoo or a recipe for pie, not a lecture on oral sex.

Elsah and Ardith both looked at Kora, a little shocked, a little impressed, and each of them grabbed a box for themselves. "I guess it is true that you learn something new everyday," Ardith shrugged.

The boys were certainly in store for a shore leave they'll never forget.

END