Title: Addicted to Fan Fiction
Author: Gillian Taylor
Series: Lurkers
E-Mail Address: gillianpicard@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: Humor
Characters: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Yoda
Feedback:  Definitely.  It's the greatest high out there.
Archive:  Sith Chicks, of course.  Anywhere else, please ask!
Summary: Obi-Wan's at it again after a time of being forbidden fan
fiction.  Only this time...what will Qui-Gon do when he finds out?

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I could say 'YES!  THEY'RE MINE! MINE!
MINE!' I can't, so I won't. :-)  Star Wars belongs to the Almighty
Lucas, I'm just borrowing them for my own perverse amusement.  Any
resemblance to real life is completely intended, and...who
knows...maybe we do have a certain lurker on this list...

Author's Notes:  SPEW WARNING!  Serious humor ahead!  Be afraid, be
very afraid.  *g*  Thanks, as always, go to Selah and to Crysta for
their hands in betaing this.  Selah, this one's for you!

****

"Addicted to Fan Fiction"
by Gillian Taylor


The day started out innocently enough.  He had awakened at first light
and prepared breakfast for both himself and his padawan, knowing
nothing of the events that would occur within the next few hours.  It
had been days since the last 'fan fiction' event in the Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan
quarters and for that brief reprieve Qui-Gon was thankful.  Seeing his
padawan engrossed in tale after tale about people that he saw every day
was disconcerting to say the least, annoying to say the most.

A smug smile crossed his face as he recalled chasing after Mace when he
had discovered his friend's intent on teasing him about Qui/Obi
stories.  Mace had taken to avoiding him ever since, especially since
the blue ktartha juice had yet to fade from his dark features.  How was
he to know that it turned dark skin to electric blue? 

He was still smiling when a strangely subdued Obi-Wan entered the
kitchen and grabbed his food.   Attributing his silence to poor sleep,
Qui-Gon ignored the tell-tale signs that Obi was regressing back to his
fan fiction habit.  The mussed hair, the shadowed blue eyes, the vague
obsessed expression-- it all pointed to another overnight reading
session. 

"Obi-Wan, don't forget that our lightsabre practice has been postponed
for an hour today.  Master Vallata needs some help with the creche
children..."  Qui-Gon waited for some sign of recognition in Obi-Wan's
eyes, or even something that suggested that he was even awake,
"Obi-Wan?"

That generated a response.  His padawan grunted.  To Qui-Gon's trained
ear it sounded like an 'acknowledging' grunt, but to be certain..."Are
you alright?"

"I'm fine, Master."

Qui-Gon nodded as he stood, satisfied.  "Then I'll see you later..."

It never bothered him when Obi-Wan did not respond.  That should have
been his second clue.

*****
Two Hours Later
Library

"Now, get this, there's even a clone closet," Obi-Wan said as he leaned
conspiratorially towards Bant, one of his closer friends at the Temple.

"A 'clone closet?'  Why?" Bant asked, confused.

"Well...it seems that a lot of the women on this list are in love with
me, so they want their own personal copy.  I mean, there's a
Purring!Obi, a General!Obi..."

"Obi-Wan, you're my friend, but you're scaring me.  I think you need to
lay off the fan fiction for a while," she frowned at him before she
gathered her books to leave.

"But Bant...I didn't even tell you about how I'm hooked up with Ziggy
and so is my Master.  Or about Mace pole dancing, or Yoda's boxers, or
the drunken droid..." he said as he grabbed her hand.  Besides, he was
more than intrigued by the scantily clad Sith warrior with the nipple
rings.

"I *don't* want to hear about it, Obi.  There's such a thing as too
much information, and I think that your brain's getting a little too
swelled for it's own good."  Bant shook her hand free from his grip,
"Lay off the fan fiction."  And with that last admonishment, she left
the library.

Obi-Wan sighed, immensely frustrated.  All he had wanted to do was to
get his friend interested in reading fan fiction...it was fun, it was
entertaining...'And you're addicted to it, Obi,' that voice that lived
in the back of his head contributed helpfully.  That voice was quickly
silenced.

He gnawed at his lower lip as he surveyed the library, partly hoping
that one of his other friends was there and was willing to read some
fan fiction with him and partly hoping that no one was there so he
could continue to read the Rent-A-Jedi series.  He acknowledged that he
was well and fully addicted, but he really did not care.  He was having
a good time, so what did it matter?

He pulled a packet of papers from in between the book that was set in
front of him ostensibly to study the History of the Clone Wars.  He had
just gotten to the part with Vader doing kareoke. 

He never noticed the passage of time.

***
Training Room

Qui-Gon hurried into the training room, all the while cursing under his
breath at the fact that he would not have the time to wash his hair
free of the glop-on-a-stick.  He had already decided to ask Obi-Wan to
wait for a few minutes while he washed his hair free of the sticky
substance, but when he arrived there was no Padawan in sight. 
"Obi-Wan?  Are you in here?"

Silence.

"Obi-Wan?" he tried again, only this time he looked around the room.
The training room had few places to hide, and those places were quickly
searched.  There was no lingering sense of Obi's Force presence in the
room, so he began to search the Temple.

It was in the library that he finally found his errant padawan, doing
just what he had asked him not to time and again.  He was reading fan
fiction again.

"Obi-Wan," he began sternly.

No response.

"We had lightsabre practice."

Nothing.

He decided to resort to his patented 'Padawan, you're in deep trouble'
voice, "Padawan!"

Was that a flicker of recognition?

With a barely suppressed growl, Qui-Gon grabbed the papers from Obi's
book.  That got the response he was looking for.

"Hey!  I was reading that!" Obi said indignantly.

"And we had lightsabre practice, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said sternly, "What
did I tell you about reading fan fiction?"

"Reading fan fiction, Obi-Wan is.  Under my instruction he was," a
familiar voice stated from somewhere behind Qui.

"What?  Master Yoda...we had training, and Obi-Wan is reading fan
fiction instead!"

"Training, good, yes.  Reading fan fiction better.  Much knowledge in
stories.  Find out more about Force he is."

If he was planning on doing an impersonation of a fish, he would have
been a prime candidate for the Republic Acting Guild award.  "Master?"

"Read fan fiction you should.  Learn much yourself, hmm?" 

Qui-Gon could only nod in response before he managed to speak again,
"Are you a member of Sith Chicks too?"

"One of founding members I am," Yoda said with a chuckle.

He was suddenly very, very disturbed.

***
One hour later
Library

"What's this clone closet thing about?" Qui-Gon asked curiously.

"Well..."


~*FIN*~