TITLE: Accessed Reflection
AUTHOR: Sue
E-MAIL: susieqla@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: Rise of The Emperor/Obi-Wan POV/Anakin
KEYWORDS: Angst
SPOILERS: TPM
RATING : G
SUMMARY :
Disclaimer: The Star Wars Universe is the sole
property of Lucasfilm, Ltd. created by George
'The Visionary' Lucas; a gifted soul whose deft
perceptions have never dimmed throughout his many
inventive years. No profit is being made by the use
of any characters or situations herein created.

Accessed Reflection

I languish in the stillness, alone... I'm more alone
than I've ever felt in my life. This includes the
time I fled the Temple because I had felt such
enormous shame over my resounding defeat in my very first 'saber duel with a Padawan two standard years younger than I. Sighing heavily, I rue the recent events that have led me to these smothering feelings of failure.

All have retired for the night, Palpatine, Queen Amidala,
Sio Bibble, Captain Panaka, Yoda, Mace Windu, Even Piell,
Depa Billaba, Saesee Tiin; even that wisp of a boy, the tow-haired object of my Master's burning contention that he is the vergence, the Chosen One...Anakin Skywalker. I do not share that conviction, nor the premise of its validity, but I will keep my promise, made to Qui-Gon under acute emotional duress.

Within the strong, Force-reinforced caresses, ready
to envelop me, there is the feel of a surer peace;
a tranquility of the highest order, that cries out for surrender. I breathe in deeply once more, but the calm that could still gale-whipped seas still eludes me.

How I long to feel the steadying touch of his comforting
hand upon my back, in-between the shoulder blades where
my muscles are tight and taut.

Oh, how I crave Qui-Gon's fortifying presence, coupled
with the warmth of solace that he could channel the
Force to lend whenever I'm at my lowest, to mollify the
anguish that lies just below the surface of prismal
despair, to salve the stingy pangs of irreconcilable
loss I have suffered this day.

I am bone tired, but the stark remembrance of my Master's slaughter will not be muddied; blocked out, irretrievably submerged, even by the Force's relentlessly urgent leadings.

I am so very alone, and though it is a worthless thing
to admit, I feel lost. I am brokenhearted. I shake my
head, which feels every bit of its considerable weight
in nomiielead, and hopelessly think, 'what am I to do
without him?'

I do not trust myself, nor my ability to be the kind of
Jedi Qui-Gon never doubted I'm meant to be.

-What shall I do, now?- my querulous insight questions.

I cannot answer. I'm at a loss as to how.

'That is for the Force to decide, my modest, yet beset
with needless worry, former Padawan. Obi-Wan...' I
sit up taller, my inner keening set aside. 'Release
your disquiet into the Force.'

"Master?" I, the newest knight in the Order, who feels
anything but truly ready to be such, voice aloud
breathlessly, sorely confounded. Is that what the
quirking in my soul is; the bond I shared with him when
he was still among the living? "Master," I pronounce,
with renewed confidence; confidence that has been given
a sound jolt.

'Obi-Wan...'

My name floats upon the sultry air of this waiting room
which is bathed in the dulling amber-ochre rays of
dwindling sunlight.

Qui-Gon Jinn shimmers before me. I reach out to touch
him, but my wobbly hand passes clean through the holo-like aura, and is gently refracted.

'The Force will be with you *always*, as I shall be.
Never question the will nor the dynamism of the living
Force. It is your steadfast ally. You, its receptive vessel...as long as you keep to the enlightened path. Mind your noble feelings, and through the Force we shall never part.'

"Yes, Master," I obediently acquiesce, and feel my
entranced eyes water with tears of gladness. I was
beginning to think I would never feel any sort of peace
anytime soon.

'Train the boy.'

"I will, Master."

'Calling me that is no longer fitting. We are equals,
Master, Obi-Wan.' His spectral presentiment brightens in intensity, and emits a curious warmth which seeps through to my very core, searing me to the depths; roiling my marrow.

I nod, although I still feel I have much to prove;
vanquishing a Sith, notwithstanding. "I'm sorry I failed
you, Qui-Gon," I lament, a frisson of remorse sparking
through me. My train of thought spools, as I relive the
agony of seeing my Master mercilessly pierced through the
gut by the red blade of white-hot energy. "I wasn't
quick enough," I say with damning conviction.

His diaphanous image flickers in what he wants me to
discern as protestation, but I feel his censure to be mild. 'You did not, nor have you ever failed me, Obi-Wan. You are my pride. Banish such enfeebling feelings from your heart and mind. They scourge and mislead you. When your times comes to become one with the Force for all eternity, we shall be one, never to part. The Sith has yet to be born that could ever prevent that.'

Again I nod, and I feel his smile of approval over my
restored self-worth. "I look forward to that day eagerly, Qui-Gon." I have never considered my own demise at length, and even this fleeting contemplation strikes me as odd.

'That day is a long way off, my...' and his familiar
chuckle, a sure sign that he is pleased, fills all the
empty places within and without, 'Jedi Knight. You have
much work to do. Yours is a life of sacrifice...in ways
too intricate to cull particulars from.' His image is drifting, wafting ever so serenely over to the paned glass that has taken on the somberer shadings of night. He raises his hand in farewell, as I do mine.

"I won't fail you, my Master," I uphold, and he smiles
at my stubborness about the use of the honorable title.
I vow to speak it within my heart, shout it in triumphant whenever I slay whatever dark foe, with his help.

'No, Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You never shall.'

I feel my Padawan braid being gently tugged as I watch his temporal image wan, and I wipe away a few errant tears with the back of my hand. Suddenly, then, his latent touch brushes my other cheek. The same feelings are evoked. The caress is so like the one he gave me before he began his transcendent journey within the crux of my arms.

Contented, I sigh, and continue to stare at the void
his absence has created. I will train Anakin, and *we*
will make our one, true Master -- Qui-Gon Jinn-- proud.

END