ACT I, SCENE I
A busy street in Theed. For some odd reason, battle droids keep attacking, and the streets are littered with scrap metal, but life goes on, and a fine opera has been playing at the opera house. The rich and powerful are coming out, dressed to the nines. Scurrying around, cleaning up the droids, are several Jedi padawans, among them the inconspicuous Anakin Skywalker. It begins to rain.
Among the operagoers is Chancellor Palpatine. He runs to get a cab for former Chancellor Valorum, and accidentally knocks Anakin down, sending the pieces of battle droid he's carrying to a disposal bin flying in every direction.
Palpatine: (absently) So sorry, young padawan.
Anakin: Well you ought to watch where you're going!
Palpatine wanders off, not noticing. Anakin scrambles to pick up the scrap metal, cursing about rude people who wreck everyone else's work. Obi-Wan stands by, watching.
Obi-Wan: Well, it looks like it's going to rain hard.
Anakin: Then it probably won't rain long.
Amidala, the only one not dressed in regal style robes, has been listening, but wanders over to Valorum, who is standing helplessly on the curb.
Valorum: Can't someone find me a cab?
Amidala: I don't know if you've noticed, but the public bus runs through here. You can catch that to the launching pad to get back to Coruscant. That is where you're going, isn't it?
Valorum: How rude!
A Gungan: Howsa you knowin' this?
Amidala: How do you come to be so far in the plains? You were born in Otoh Gunga.
The Gungan pulls Obi-Wan forward.
Gungan: Yousa thinkin' you so smart, where's he from?
Amidala: Coruscant, the Jedi Temple, Melida-Dann, and... Tatooine?
Obi-Wan: Quite impressive. You look oddly familiar to me, but surely we haven't met. How do you do it, may I ask?
Amidala: By accents. Anyone can spot a Hutt by the Huttese, but I can place a human within two worlds. Within five thousand miles, on Coruscant or Naboo.
Anakin: But she apparently can't place a face within ten years in her memory.
Amidala: You do look familiar to me, padawan, but your speech leaves something to be desired. I'm sure I shall remember you in time, though.
Anakin: (shakes head) Wizard.
This is too much for Amidala. Cue music for "Why Can't the English?"
Amidala: Look at him, prisoner of the gutters
Condemned by every silly word he utters
By rights he should be taken out and hung
For the cold blooded murder of the Basic tongue
Anakin: (rolls eyes) Wizard!
Amidala: Wizard! heavens, what a sound
This is what the Jedi population
Calls an elementary education
Obi-Wan: He's poor example. You must see that, Your Highness.
Amidala: Must I?
Hear them down on Coruscant
Shouting "yippee"s where they want
Speaking Basic any way they choose --
(to a padawan)
You, girl, do you travel abroad?
Padawan: I'm a padawan, lady, that's my job!
Amidala: And this is the kind of language you set loose!
Hear most Jedi knights or worse
Hear the padawans converse
I'd rather hear a choir singing flat
Kaadu, lowing beneath a tree, just like this one!
Anakin: (dryly) Yippee!
Amidala: Yippee! I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that?
It's "wizard" and "yippee" that keep him in his place
Not his wretched clothes and dirty face
Why can't the Jedi teach their children how to speak
This verbal class distinction,
By now should be antique
If you spoke as he does, sir,
Instead of the way you do,
why you might be sweeping spare parts too!
Obi-Wan: I beg your pardon!
Amidala: A Republican's way of speaking absolutely classifies him
The moment he talks he makes another Republican despise him
One common language I'm afraid we'll never get,
Oh, why can't the Jedi learn to... Set
a good example to people whose Basic is painful to your ears
The Alderaanians and the Gungans leave you close to tears
There even are places where Basic completely disappears
Well on Corellia, they haven't it for years!
(general laughter at the witticism)
Amidala: Why can't the Jedi teach their children how to speak
Neimoidians learn Neimoidian,
They learn Wookiee on Kashyyk
On Sullust, every Sullustian knows his langauge end to end...
(spoken) The Sullustians don't care what they do actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.
(more general laughter)
Amidala: Toydarians learn Toydarian with the speed of summer lightning
The Hutts learn it backwards, which is absolutely frightening
Use proper Basic you're regarded as a freak,
Oh why can't the Jedi,
why can't the Jedi
Learn to speak?
The crowd disperses, and Amidala sips the tea she's been given and sits down on the pillar base beside Anakin.
Amidala: Now, you see this boy with his casual speech and slang? In six weeks, I could pass him off as a Senator. I could even get him a job pitching the Yellow Pages for Bell Atlantic, which requires a completely different accent.
Anakin: You're kidding, right Padme?
Amidala: No, you funny little boy. I could pass you off as Supreme Chancellor.
Anakin: (to Obi-Wan) You're not buying this, are you Master?
Obi-Wan: I wouldn't judge too quickly, young padawan. Don't underestimate the power of the Force. I myself have an entirely different accent from my brother. And you yourself speak like no one in your general vicinity. You might do well to listen to this woman. But for now, finish cleaning up here. I must go to an appointment with the queen.
Amidala: I am the queen. Who the devil are you?
Obi-Wan: It's me, Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Amidala: Obi-Wan Kenobi! I didn't recognize you with the beard! I was about to go to Coruscant to consult with you!
Obi-Wan: And I was coming to Naboo to talk to you! I had you mixed up with your bodyguard again!
Amidala: Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: Amidala!
They shake hands vigorously upon this mutual recognition.
Amidala: Where are you staying?
Obi-Wan: At the Otoh Gunga Hilton.
Amidala: Oh, no you're not. You're staying right in the Theed Palace!
They start to walk off, but Anakin calls after them.
Anakin: Master! Since you're not in a hurry to make the meeting, maybe you could give us hand! This will take us all night!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force!
Anakin: There's too much of this around!
Obi-Wan: Always with you, it cannot be done.
He waves his hand, and the piles of scrap metal fly into bins all at once, causing a few padawans to duck. Then he tosses Anakin a bag of credits.
Obi-Wan: Go out and have a good time. I'll see you tomorrow.
Obi-Wan and Amidala disappear offstage, talking about politics and protocol. Anakin looks in the bag, and sees that it's a lot of credits.
Anakin: Whoa!
The other padawans gather around.
Padawan 1: Well, look who's not doing the poverty thing today!
Padawan 2: I think I know who's buying!
Padawan 3: (holds up a broken battle droid) Hey, Ani, you want to buy a protocol droid?
Anakin: Not from you!
Cue music for "Wouldn't it be Loverly?". Padawan one begins singing.
Padawan 1: It's rather dull in town, I think I'll pack me out of Theed. Hm....
Padawan 2: My Master wants to take me on a trip to Dantooine Hm.....
Padawan 3: The surgeon droid suggests I get some sun on Tatooine
Oo-oo, Oo-oo
Wouldn't it be wizard-ly?
Anakin: All I want is a room someplace
Far away from the cold of space
With no more baddies to chase
Oh, wouldn't it be wizard-ly?
Lots of pallies for me to eat
Lots of suns making lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands, warm feet
Oh, wouldn't it be wizard-ly
Oh, so wizard-ly, flying in my pod for kicks
With Mom, Sebulba, and Kits-ter... all in the same old mix
Padme's head resting on my knee
Warm and tender as she can be
Though very warm, that may not be
But wouldn't it
Be wizard-ly.
Wizard-ly. Wizard-ly
Wizard-ly. (sigh) Wizard-ly
The padawans all sigh, then begin to dance and sing along with Anakin.
Padawans: All I want is a room someplace
Far away from the cold of space
With no more baddies to chase
Oh, wouldn't it be wizard-ly?
Anakin:Oh, wouldn't it be wizard-ly?
Lots of pallies for me to eat
Lots of suns making lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands, warm feet
Oh, wouldn't it be wizard-ly
Oh, so wizard-ly, flying in my pod for kicks
With Mom, Sebulba, oh, and Kits-ter... all in the same old mix
All: Padme's head resting on my knee
Warm and tender as she can be
Though very warm, that may not be
But wouldn't it
Be wizard-ly.
Anakin: Wizard-ly. Wizard-ly
Wizard-ly. (sigh) Wizard-ly
They all whistle the first half of the song, while dancing around in the garbage, then Anakin picks up the tune.
Anakin: Padme's head resting on my knee
Warm and tender as she can be
Though very warm, that may not be
But wouldn't it
Be wizard-ly.
Padawans: Wizard-ly.
Anakin: Wizard-ly
Padawans: Wizard-ly.
Anakin: (sigh) Wizard-ly
He is rolled away on an antigrav sled with a few broken battle droids.
Fade out.
DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of fiction written in appreciation of Star Wars; to promote the Star Wars franchise and to keep it alive. All characters and settings original to the Star Wars movies and/or novelizations are copyright to Lucasfilm, Ltd. The rest is copyright to the story's author. No profit was gained from this story.